APRIL 2025
MONDAY APRIL 21 915A
THINGS WE DO TO FILL TIME: EVERY THING. EVERY ACTION STEMS FROM OUR NEED TO EXIST IN TIME. WE ARE ALWAYS CONFRONTING TIME, IN PERPETUAL CONFRONTATION WITH TIME. THE DURATION OF OUR LIVES INFORMS THE DURATION AND TIMELINE OF THINGS WE DO, CARRY OUT, FIND MEANING IN. AND EVERY THING KNOWING ONE DAY IT WILL BE FOR NOTHING -- EVERYTHING WILL END AND TIME NO MORE. THERE MUST BE SOME THING AFTER LIFE, OTHERWISE THERE MAY BE NO POINT TO LIFE AT ALL …
EXCEPT FOR SIMULTANEITY. SIMULTANEOUS EXISTENCES OVERLAPPING INTERMITTENTLY:
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TIME IS LINEAR, TIME IS CONSTANT. TIME IS INFINITE.
THE UNFOLDING OF TIME IS UNIVERSAL.
LIFE IS LINEAR, LIFE IS DURATIONAL, LIFE IS FINITE.
LIFE IS SINGULAR. LIFETIME IS INDIVIDUAL: A LIFETIME.
LIFETIMES INTERSECT, LIFETIMES INTERACT. LIFETIMES OVERLAP.
LIFETIMES MAKE CONTACT WITH OTHER LIFETIMES.
POINTS OF CONTACT OCCUR BETWEEN MULTIPLE LIFETIMES AT PARTICULAR MOMENTS IN TIME.
POINTS OF CONTACT BETWEEN LIFETIMES IMPACT THE INDIVIDUAL LIFETIMES.
SOMES LIFETIMES SURPASS OTHER LIFETIMES.
IMPACT LIVES IN THE LIFETIMES OF IMPACTED LIFETIMES STILL IN ACTIVE EXISTENCE.
IMPACT SURPASSES THE DURATION OF LIFETIME.
EXISTENCE ENCOMPASSES LIFETIME.
EXISTENCE ENCOMPASSES: LIFETIME, TIME, POINTS OF CONTACT, IMPACT.
EXISTENCE ENCOMPASSES: WHAT SURPASSES THE DURATION OF A LIFETIME.
EXISTENCE SURPASSES A LIFETIME.
EXCEPT FOR SIMULTANEITY. SIMULTANEOUS EXISTENCES OVERLAPPING INTERMITTENTLY:
TIME IS LINEAR, TIME IS CONSTANT. TIME IS INFINITE.
THE UNFOLDING OF TIME IS UNIVERSAL.
LIFE IS LINEAR, LIFE IS DURATIONAL, LIFE IS FINITE.
LIFE IS SINGULAR. LIFETIME IS INDIVIDUAL: A LIFETIME.
LIFETIMES INTERSECT, LIFETIMES INTERACT. LIFETIMES OVERLAP.
LIFETIMES MAKE CONTACT WITH OTHER LIFETIMES.
POINTS OF CONTACT OCCUR BETWEEN MULTIPLE LIFETIMES AT PARTICULAR MOMENTS IN TIME.
POINTS OF CONTACT BETWEEN LIFETIMES IMPACT THE INDIVIDUAL LIFETIMES.
SOMES LIFETIMES SURPASS OTHER LIFETIMES.
IMPACT LIVES IN THE LIFETIMES OF IMPACTED LIFETIMES STILL IN ACTIVE EXISTENCE.
IMPACT SURPASSES THE DURATION OF LIFETIME.
EXISTENCE ENCOMPASSES LIFETIME.
EXISTENCE ENCOMPASSES: LIFETIME, TIME, POINTS OF CONTACT, IMPACT.
EXISTENCE ENCOMPASSES: WHAT SURPASSES THE DURATION OF A LIFETIME.
EXISTENCE SURPASSES A LIFETIME.
ACTIVE EXISTENCE | DIRECT EXPERIENCES OF THE LIVING BODY
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PHYSICAL AND VERBAL INTERACTIONS OF THE LIVING BODY WITH THE EXTERNAL WORLD DURING ITS LIFETIME.
↓
PHYSICAL AND VERBAL INTERACTIONS OF THE LIVING BODY WITH THE EXTERNAL WORLD DURING ITS LIFETIME.
PASSIVE EXISTENCE | INDIRECT EXPERIENCES OF THE LIVING OR DEAD BODY
↓
PHYSICAL EPHEMERA OR DOCUMENTATION OF THE BODY; PHYSICAL AND VERBAL INTERACTIONS INVOLVING THE BODY THAT DO NOT DIRECTLY INVOLVE THE BODY.
↓
PHYSICAL EPHEMERA OR DOCUMENTATION OF THE BODY; PHYSICAL AND VERBAL INTERACTIONS INVOLVING THE BODY THAT DO NOT DIRECTLY INVOLVE THE BODY.
415P
I WANT TO SUBVERT THE PRACTICES OF EVERYDAY LIFE.
WHY THINGS ARE THE WAY THERE?*. OR, I UNDERSTAND WHY, BUT I WONDER WHY THEY ARE NOT ANOTHER WAY. HOW FRAGILE REALITY IS … AND HOW CUSTOMARY LIVING IS. LIFE ACCEPTED AT FACE VALUE.
OBJECTS ARE PHYSICAL MANIFESTATIONS OF HUMAN BEHAVIOR.
OBJECTS REFLECT AND EMBODY CERTAIN HABITS AND ACTIONS WE REPEAT OVER TIME: FUNCTION.
OBJECTS REFLECT HOW HUMANS FUNCTION IN A PARTICULAR TIME AND PLACE
OBJECTS ARE THE RESULT OF HUMAN NEEDS. FUNCTIONAL OBJECTS SUPPORT THE HUMAN BODY IN CARRYING OUT NEEDS. FUNCTIONAL OBJECTS ARE DESIGNED WITH THE SPECIFICATIONS OF THE BODY IN MIND, BOTH IN FORM AND FUNCTION.
A CHAIR, A TOILET; TO SIT, AT A HEIGHT WHICH ACCOMMODATES THE AVERAGE HUMAN BODY TO HAVE ITS FEET REMAIN ON THE FLOOR AND KNEES BENT CLOSE TO A NINETY DEGREE ANGLE, ON A SURFACE THAT IS WIDE ENOUGH FOR THE BUTT AND THIGHS TO REST ATOP.
THE DOOR; FRAMED AT HEIGHT AND WIDTH LARGE ENOUGH TO FIT THE AVERAGE HUMAN BODY AND WITH ROOM TO CARRY OBJECTS, DOORKNOB LOCATED AT OR NEAR THE HEIGHT OF ITS HAND IN REST POSITION, DIRECTION OF THE DOOR SWING RELATED TO THE SPACES ON EITHER SIDE OF THE DOOR, THEIR FUNCTION (INDOOR/OUTDOOR, BATHROOM/BEDROOM).
A STOVE, AN OVEN; HEIGHT OF THE BURNERS AT HIP AND HAND’S REACH, WITH ENOUGH ROOM UNDERNEATH TO BE COMBINED WITH AN OVEN, WHOSE SIZE CAN FIT AND COOK AN AVERAGE MEAL AT THE APPROPRIATE TEMPERATURE. OVEN AND STOVE COMBINED ACCOMODATE THE MOST CONVENTIONAL WAYS OF COOKING: BAKING, ROASTING, FRYING, BOILING.
*I MEANT TO WRITE THEY ARE. SOMETHING SHORTCIRCUITED IN THE INTERACTION BETWEEN BRAIN AND HAND.
WHY THINGS ARE THE WAY THERE?*. OR, I UNDERSTAND WHY, BUT I WONDER WHY THEY ARE NOT ANOTHER WAY. HOW FRAGILE REALITY IS … AND HOW CUSTOMARY LIVING IS. LIFE ACCEPTED AT FACE VALUE.
OBJECTS ARE PHYSICAL MANIFESTATIONS OF HUMAN BEHAVIOR.
OBJECTS REFLECT AND EMBODY CERTAIN HABITS AND ACTIONS WE REPEAT OVER TIME: FUNCTION.
OBJECTS REFLECT HOW HUMANS FUNCTION IN A PARTICULAR TIME AND PLACE
OBJECTS ARE THE RESULT OF HUMAN NEEDS. FUNCTIONAL OBJECTS SUPPORT THE HUMAN BODY IN CARRYING OUT NEEDS. FUNCTIONAL OBJECTS ARE DESIGNED WITH THE SPECIFICATIONS OF THE BODY IN MIND, BOTH IN FORM AND FUNCTION.
A CHAIR, A TOILET; TO SIT, AT A HEIGHT WHICH ACCOMMODATES THE AVERAGE HUMAN BODY TO HAVE ITS FEET REMAIN ON THE FLOOR AND KNEES BENT CLOSE TO A NINETY DEGREE ANGLE, ON A SURFACE THAT IS WIDE ENOUGH FOR THE BUTT AND THIGHS TO REST ATOP.
THE DOOR; FRAMED AT HEIGHT AND WIDTH LARGE ENOUGH TO FIT THE AVERAGE HUMAN BODY AND WITH ROOM TO CARRY OBJECTS, DOORKNOB LOCATED AT OR NEAR THE HEIGHT OF ITS HAND IN REST POSITION, DIRECTION OF THE DOOR SWING RELATED TO THE SPACES ON EITHER SIDE OF THE DOOR, THEIR FUNCTION (INDOOR/OUTDOOR, BATHROOM/BEDROOM).
A STOVE, AN OVEN; HEIGHT OF THE BURNERS AT HIP AND HAND’S REACH, WITH ENOUGH ROOM UNDERNEATH TO BE COMBINED WITH AN OVEN, WHOSE SIZE CAN FIT AND COOK AN AVERAGE MEAL AT THE APPROPRIATE TEMPERATURE. OVEN AND STOVE COMBINED ACCOMODATE THE MOST CONVENTIONAL WAYS OF COOKING: BAKING, ROASTING, FRYING, BOILING.
*I MEANT TO WRITE THEY ARE. SOMETHING SHORTCIRCUITED IN THE INTERACTION BETWEEN BRAIN AND HAND.
︎
THURSDAY APRIL 17 901A
MY THOUGHTS ARE AN UNINTERRUPTED SERIES OF UNFINISHED THOUGHTS, UNANSWERED QUESTIONS. ONLY WHEN I HAVE COME TO CONCLUSIONS CAN THEY REST. I TRY TO WRITE AS LUCIDLY AS I THINK – FRAGMENTED, SCATTERED, OVERLAPPING AND REPEATING PATTERNS.
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TUESDAY APRIL 15 350P
DREAMING CAN ONLY BE DONE IN SOLITUDE. A VISION, A WORDLESS VISION, THAT CANNOT BE COMMUNICATED, ONLY FELT. THE DREAM IS OVER. THE DREAM IS TRANSLATED INTO WORDS, FEELINGS, MEMORIES, DREAMS, MEMORIES …
︎
SUNDAY APRIL 13 1101A
WHO I AM, WHO I AM WITH OTHER PEOPLE, ALL OF THE PEOPLE I AM WITH MY SELF, WITHIN MY SELF …
I AM ONLY TRYING TO REACH MY SELF. TO FIND MY SELF? I FEEL FAR AWAY. BUT I AM NOT FAR, MY SELF IS ALWAYS HERE. MY SELF GETS CLOUDED, COVERED BY ALL ELSE … BY THOUGHT. DISTRACTION. PREOCCUPATION. NOW: THINKING I SHOULD EXERCISE. PUT THE DISHES AWAY. PUT THE LAUNDRY AWAY. ANYTHING BUT WHAT I AM CURRENTLY DOING, ANYTHING BUT BEING HERE, BUT BEING MY SELF …
I AM ONLY TRYING TO REACH MY SELF. TO FIND MY SELF? I FEEL FAR AWAY. BUT I AM NOT FAR, MY SELF IS ALWAYS HERE. MY SELF GETS CLOUDED, COVERED BY ALL ELSE … BY THOUGHT. DISTRACTION. PREOCCUPATION. NOW: THINKING I SHOULD EXERCISE. PUT THE DISHES AWAY. PUT THE LAUNDRY AWAY. ANYTHING BUT WHAT I AM CURRENTLY DOING, ANYTHING BUT BEING HERE, BUT BEING MY SELF …
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SATURDAY APRIL 12 1228P
THE REST OF THE MORNING IS A BLUR … HOW CAN I EXPLAIN IT? AUTOPILOT. OUT OF GEAR. GOING SOMEWHERE, DETERMINEDLY, BUT THERE IS NO WHERE. GOING EVERYWHERE AT ONCE, AND IN A HURRY. IN A HURRY TO GET EVERYWHERE; BEING NOWHERE.
JUST AS I WRITE AND INHABIT AN IDEA AND PUT WORDS TO THE IDEA – IT IS NO LONGER MINE. ONCE A THING IS CAPTURED – AN IDEA, A FEELING – IT IS RELEASED; IT IS NO LONGER MINE. I NO LONGER POSSESS THE THING THAT I CAPTURED IN A PRESENT MOMENT THAT IS NOW PAST MOMENT. THE PAST IS NO LONGER MINE.
WORDS – ONCE REAL, TANGIBLE, HAPPENING, BEING, ACTIVE. THEN THEY ARE PASSIVE, REMOVED FROM SUBJECT, TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT OF THE MOMENT. THEY ARE ANYBODY’S TO INHABIT. THEY ARE NOT MINE.
WORDS THAT STEMMED FROM A THOUGHT ARE NOW A REPRESENTATION OF WHAT WAS A THOUGHT, THAT THOUGHT, IN THAT VERY MOMENT OF TIME, CAPTURED TIME. A WORD IS A THOUGHT, AN IDEA CAPTURED IN A MOMENT. A WORD IS THE IMAGE OF THE BODY, A TRANSLATION OF A FEELING, AN EXPERIENCE.
JUST AS I WRITE AND INHABIT AN IDEA AND PUT WORDS TO THE IDEA – IT IS NO LONGER MINE. ONCE A THING IS CAPTURED – AN IDEA, A FEELING – IT IS RELEASED; IT IS NO LONGER MINE. I NO LONGER POSSESS THE THING THAT I CAPTURED IN A PRESENT MOMENT THAT IS NOW PAST MOMENT. THE PAST IS NO LONGER MINE.
WORDS – ONCE REAL, TANGIBLE, HAPPENING, BEING, ACTIVE. THEN THEY ARE PASSIVE, REMOVED FROM SUBJECT, TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT OF THE MOMENT. THEY ARE ANYBODY’S TO INHABIT. THEY ARE NOT MINE.
WORDS THAT STEMMED FROM A THOUGHT ARE NOW A REPRESENTATION OF WHAT WAS A THOUGHT, THAT THOUGHT, IN THAT VERY MOMENT OF TIME, CAPTURED TIME. A WORD IS A THOUGHT, AN IDEA CAPTURED IN A MOMENT. A WORD IS THE IMAGE OF THE BODY, A TRANSLATION OF A FEELING, AN EXPERIENCE.
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FRIDAY APRIL 11 843A
AT THE TOP OF A HILL MOUNTAIN, LOOKING AT ANOTHER MOUNTAIN IN THE DISTANCE, AT THE FOOT, IN THE SEA? THERE IS A CLEMENTINE CUT INTO A CUBE, IT IS BEING CUT INTO A CUBE TO DEMONSTRATE THE MOUNTAIN. CAN YOU IMAGINE EXPLODING AND STILL EXISTING?
FIRST, THE MOUNTAIN FORMED. THEN IT EXPANDED, EXPLODED; BEGAN TO SAG, DISTORT. THE ORIENTATION OF ITS FACES DISTORTING. A LAYER OF MOSSY GRASS INTERSECTING THE STRIATIONS OF ITS ROCKY FACE.
SQUARING THE CIRCLE ... CIRCLING THE SQUARE. I AM ALL OVER, I AM HERE. I AM HERE ALL OVER, OVER AND OVER ...
FIRST, THE MOUNTAIN FORMED. THEN IT EXPANDED, EXPLODED; BEGAN TO SAG, DISTORT. THE ORIENTATION OF ITS FACES DISTORTING. A LAYER OF MOSSY GRASS INTERSECTING THE STRIATIONS OF ITS ROCKY FACE.
SQUARING THE CIRCLE ... CIRCLING THE SQUARE. I AM ALL OVER, I AM HERE. I AM HERE ALL OVER, OVER AND OVER ...
SQUARING THE CIRCLE: THE CIRCLE IS A FEEDBACK LOOP. AN UNINTERRUPTED CYCLE OF THOUGHT, COUNTERTHOUGHT, RE-THOUGHT, FESTERS, MARINATES, FEEDS ON, GENERATES ITSELF.
SQUARING THIS CIRCLE: INTRODUCING EDGES. FINDING WAYS TO STOP THE CONTINUATION OF THE CIRCLE, DIVERT IT -- INTERCEPT THE CIRCLE.
A SQUARE IS A CIRCLE WITH WALLS, EDGES, CORNERS, POINTS. THE CORNER OF A SQUARE IS A DIVERSION, A POINT OF INFLECTION FROM ONE DIRECTION TO ANOTHER. A CORNER IS AN INDICATION OF CHANGE.
A CORNER IS A DEMARCATION OF A DECISION.
THE TRANSFORMATION OF A LINE [A] INTO A CORNER INTRODUCES A BEND, TURNS ONE CONTINUOUS AND UNIDIRECTIONAL LINE INTO TWO: TWO LINES, EXTENDING IN TWO DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS TOWARDS TWO DIFFERENT POINTS, CONNECTING AT ONE POINT OF INFLECTION -- THE CORNER [B]. THE CORNER IS A MOMENT AT WHICH ONE POTENTIAL FUTURE IS BLOCKED OFF AND ANOTHER, ALTERNATIVE FUTURE IS CREATED; RATHER THAN CONTINUING TO FOLLOW ITS UNILATERAL PATH, THE LINE IS DIVERTED TO FOLLOW ANOTHER. THIS CAN BE REPEATED AD NAUSEUM [C].
THE CIRCLE HAS NO CORNERS. THE CIRCLE HAS NO POINTS OF INFLECTION. THE CIRCLE IS ONE CONTINUOUS POINT, LINE, CURVE; NO BEGINNING, NO ENDING. THE CIRCLE IS CONTINUOUS AND IN THAT, HARMONIOUS -- THE CIRCLE HAS NO EDGES TO INTERRUPT IT OR GAPS TO INTERCEPT IT. THE CIRCLE IS SELF-SUFFICIENT. THE CIRCLE IS A PERFECT GEOMETRY.
FOR A CIRCLE TO BE PERFECT, THE INFINITE NUMBER OF POINTS THAT MAKE UP ITS CIRCUMFERENCE MUST MEASURE AND EQUAL THE EXACT DISTANCE FROM ITS CENTER; OTHERWISE, THE CIRCLE IS A SPHERE. OUR ABILITY TO MEASURE A PERFECT CIRCLE, OR A CIRCLE BY DEFINITION, IS LIMITED BY OUR CONSTRAINTS OF PRECISION, BY OUR INABILITY TO MEASURE PRECISION, MEASURE INFINITY, MEASURE EXTENSIVELY AND MOLECULARLY. THE EXISTENCE OF A CIRCLE IS LIMITED BY OUR HUMAN CAPABILITIES, OUR NATURE. THE CIRCLE IS UNATTAINABLE TO US BY NATURE.
THE CIRCLE IS PERFECT.
THE CIRCLE IS UNATTAINABLE.
THE CIRCLE IS PRECISE, EXACT.
THE CIRCLE IS SELF-SUFFICIENT, A CLOSED SYSTEM.
THE HUMAN CANNOT REACH THE CIRCLE. THE CIRCLE IS UNATTAINABLE TO US, WE WHO ARE PERMEABLE. WE WHO ARE MALLEABLE, WHO ARE NOT FIXED, WHO UNDERGO CHANGE WITHIN EACH MOMENT. WE WHO ARE UNDEFINABLE, VARIABLE. WE WHO ARE NOT SELF-SUFFICIENT -- WHO RELY ON THINGS EXTERNAL TO US TO EXIST. WE WHO ARE NOT CONSISTENT, UNILATERAL, OR CONTINUOUS; WE WHO HAVE A BEGINNING, AN ENDING. WE -- HUMAN -- WHOSE ONLY SINGULARITY IS TIME.
HUMANS AND THEIR EDGES, CORNERS, GAPS. HUMANS AND THEIR CONSISTENT INCONSISTENCY.
HUMAN WHO IS DIVERTED, DISTORTED, INTERCEPTED; HUMAN WHO IS NOT A CLOSED SYSTEM.
HUMAN WHO IS AFFECTED.
HUMAN WHO IS NOT A CIRCLE; CIRCLE IS UNATTAINABLE.
HUMAN LIKE A SQUARE.
HUMAN SQUARING THE CIRCLE.
SQUARING THIS CIRCLE: INTRODUCING EDGES. FINDING WAYS TO STOP THE CONTINUATION OF THE CIRCLE, DIVERT IT -- INTERCEPT THE CIRCLE.
A SQUARE IS A CIRCLE WITH WALLS, EDGES, CORNERS, POINTS. THE CORNER OF A SQUARE IS A DIVERSION, A POINT OF INFLECTION FROM ONE DIRECTION TO ANOTHER. A CORNER IS AN INDICATION OF CHANGE.
A CORNER IS A DEMARCATION OF A DECISION.
THE TRANSFORMATION OF A LINE [A] INTO A CORNER INTRODUCES A BEND, TURNS ONE CONTINUOUS AND UNIDIRECTIONAL LINE INTO TWO: TWO LINES, EXTENDING IN TWO DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS TOWARDS TWO DIFFERENT POINTS, CONNECTING AT ONE POINT OF INFLECTION -- THE CORNER [B]. THE CORNER IS A MOMENT AT WHICH ONE POTENTIAL FUTURE IS BLOCKED OFF AND ANOTHER, ALTERNATIVE FUTURE IS CREATED; RATHER THAN CONTINUING TO FOLLOW ITS UNILATERAL PATH, THE LINE IS DIVERTED TO FOLLOW ANOTHER. THIS CAN BE REPEATED AD NAUSEUM [C].
THE CIRCLE HAS NO CORNERS. THE CIRCLE HAS NO POINTS OF INFLECTION. THE CIRCLE IS ONE CONTINUOUS POINT, LINE, CURVE; NO BEGINNING, NO ENDING. THE CIRCLE IS CONTINUOUS AND IN THAT, HARMONIOUS -- THE CIRCLE HAS NO EDGES TO INTERRUPT IT OR GAPS TO INTERCEPT IT. THE CIRCLE IS SELF-SUFFICIENT. THE CIRCLE IS A PERFECT GEOMETRY.
FOR A CIRCLE TO BE PERFECT, THE INFINITE NUMBER OF POINTS THAT MAKE UP ITS CIRCUMFERENCE MUST MEASURE AND EQUAL THE EXACT DISTANCE FROM ITS CENTER; OTHERWISE, THE CIRCLE IS A SPHERE. OUR ABILITY TO MEASURE A PERFECT CIRCLE, OR A CIRCLE BY DEFINITION, IS LIMITED BY OUR CONSTRAINTS OF PRECISION, BY OUR INABILITY TO MEASURE PRECISION, MEASURE INFINITY, MEASURE EXTENSIVELY AND MOLECULARLY. THE EXISTENCE OF A CIRCLE IS LIMITED BY OUR HUMAN CAPABILITIES, OUR NATURE. THE CIRCLE IS UNATTAINABLE TO US BY NATURE.
THE CIRCLE IS PERFECT.
THE CIRCLE IS UNATTAINABLE.
THE CIRCLE IS PRECISE, EXACT.
THE CIRCLE IS SELF-SUFFICIENT, A CLOSED SYSTEM.
THE HUMAN CANNOT REACH THE CIRCLE. THE CIRCLE IS UNATTAINABLE TO US, WE WHO ARE PERMEABLE. WE WHO ARE MALLEABLE, WHO ARE NOT FIXED, WHO UNDERGO CHANGE WITHIN EACH MOMENT. WE WHO ARE UNDEFINABLE, VARIABLE. WE WHO ARE NOT SELF-SUFFICIENT -- WHO RELY ON THINGS EXTERNAL TO US TO EXIST. WE WHO ARE NOT CONSISTENT, UNILATERAL, OR CONTINUOUS; WE WHO HAVE A BEGINNING, AN ENDING. WE -- HUMAN -- WHOSE ONLY SINGULARITY IS TIME.
HUMANS AND THEIR EDGES, CORNERS, GAPS. HUMANS AND THEIR CONSISTENT INCONSISTENCY.
HUMAN WHO IS DIVERTED, DISTORTED, INTERCEPTED; HUMAN WHO IS NOT A CLOSED SYSTEM.
HUMAN WHO IS AFFECTED.
HUMAN WHO IS NOT A CIRCLE; CIRCLE IS UNATTAINABLE.
HUMAN LIKE A SQUARE.
HUMAN SQUARING THE CIRCLE.
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WEDNESDAY APRIL 9 928A
THE SHAPE OF THE BODY IS DETERMINED BY ITS COMPOSITION OF PARTS. THE PARTS, INTERNAL OF THE BODY, EACH WITH THEIR FUNCTION THAT RELY ON OTHER PARTS TO FUNCTION. OUR FORM IS DETERMINED BY OUR FUNCTION(S); THE FORM OF THE BODY IS DETERMINED BY ITS FUNCTIONAL PARTS.
WHY DON’T WE WALK SIDEWAYS? WHY DON’T WE HAVE TO TELL OURSELVES TO WALK? HOW WE ORIENT OURSELVES IN THE WORLD, IN SPACE, IS DETERMINED BY OUR BODIES –- THEIR SHAPE, CAPABILITIES, LIMITS. OUR REALITY IS ORIENTED TO OUR BODIES. OUR EVERYDAY IS ORIENTED TO OUR BODIES. HOW WE INTERACT WITH OTHERS (THE SHAPE OF A HUG, THE FORM OF A HANDSHAKE), HOW WE INTERACT WITH THINGS (OBJECTS).
OUR BODIES DETERMINE THE SHAPE OF OBJECTS. A CHAIR, THE HEIGHT OF A DOOR, THE LENGTH AND WIDTH OF A BED, THE CIRCUMFERENCE OF A TOILET –- OBJECTS ARE A REFLECTION OF OUR BODIES.
OBJECTS ARE AN EXTENSION OF THE BODY: BUILT FOR IT, BY IT, USED BY IT. BODY IN SPACE; OBJECT AS EXTENSION OF BODY.
THERE ARE THREE PRIMARY POSITIONS OF THE BODY: STANDING, SITTING, LYING DOWN.
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WHY DON’T WE WALK SIDEWAYS? WHY DON’T WE HAVE TO TELL OURSELVES TO WALK? HOW WE ORIENT OURSELVES IN THE WORLD, IN SPACE, IS DETERMINED BY OUR BODIES –- THEIR SHAPE, CAPABILITIES, LIMITS. OUR REALITY IS ORIENTED TO OUR BODIES. OUR EVERYDAY IS ORIENTED TO OUR BODIES. HOW WE INTERACT WITH OTHERS (THE SHAPE OF A HUG, THE FORM OF A HANDSHAKE), HOW WE INTERACT WITH THINGS (OBJECTS).
OUR BODIES DETERMINE THE SHAPE OF OBJECTS. A CHAIR, THE HEIGHT OF A DOOR, THE LENGTH AND WIDTH OF A BED, THE CIRCUMFERENCE OF A TOILET –- OBJECTS ARE A REFLECTION OF OUR BODIES.
OBJECTS ARE AN EXTENSION OF THE BODY: BUILT FOR IT, BY IT, USED BY IT. BODY IN SPACE; OBJECT AS EXTENSION OF BODY.
THERE ARE THREE PRIMARY POSITIONS OF THE BODY: STANDING, SITTING, LYING DOWN.
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TUESDAY APRIL 8 1033A
THE SHADOW CASTS THE OBJECT.
THE PHYSICAL WORLD CHANGES WITH THE ORIENTATION OF THE SUN. AT NIGHT -- THERE IS NO PHYSICAL WORLD.
IF I LIVE IN THE SHADOW OF PROJECTED THOUGHT: I AM THE OBJECT.
REALITY IS WHAT IS REFLECTED IN THE POOLS, PUDDLES ...
THE PHYSICAL WORLD CHANGES WITH THE ORIENTATION OF THE SUN. AT NIGHT -- THERE IS NO PHYSICAL WORLD.
IF I LIVE IN THE SHADOW OF PROJECTED THOUGHT: I AM THE OBJECT.
REALITY IS WHAT IS REFLECTED IN THE POOLS, PUDDLES ...
1102A
CONSISTENCY, CONSISTENT, CONSISTENTLY...
ALONE, IT COMES WITH SUCH A CALM, STILLNESS ... I AM ACCOMPANIED BY SILENCE. A SWEET SILENCE. AND AN ATMOSPHERE OF PROTECTION, OF KNOWING I WILL NOT BE DISTURBED. FROM WHAT? THE WAY IN WHICH THE MIND, THOUGHT CHANGES WHEN NOT ALONE. MY REALITY TAKES A LOT TO MAINTAIN.
IT TAKES A LOT OF FOCUS, CONCENTRATION, SET UP, AND MAINTENANCE OF CIRCUMSTANCES TO REMAIN IN MY REALITY -- AND SO LITTLE TO BREAK IT. SO QUICKLY DO I FEEL I HAVE LOST IT. SO EASY TO FEEL ESTRANGED FROM IT. I LEAVE IT IDLE, DO NOT TEND TO IT, AND BEFORE I CAN WATCH IT LEAVE, IT IS GONE; IT IS DISTANT. STILL THERE, BUT DISTANT. I AM SO AFRAID TO LOSE IT... I AM SO AFRAID THAT IT WILL KEEP GROWING DISTANT, GET SMALLER AND SMALLER UNTIL IT DIMINISHES AND I CANNOT FIND IT, WON’T FIND IT, WILL NEVER FIND IT AGAIN ... MY VOICE. THE VOICE THAT SPEAKS FOR ME. ONLY TO BE LEFT WITH THE VOICE THAT I SPEAK, THE ONE THAT FEELS CONTRIVED BECAUSE IT IS MEDIATED, INTERCEPTED BY THOUGHT BEFORE IT ARRIVES, BEFORE IT COMES INTO EXISTENCE. IT IS DISTORTED, TRANSLATED BY THOUGHT; A REACTIVE VOICE.
DISTORTED BY WHAT, PROTECTED FROM WHAT -- WHAT AM I PRESERVING? I AM PRESERVING A CLARITY OF THOUGHT WHICH IS PURE, WHICH IS NOT THOUGHT BUT IS, IS. IS DEEP INSIDE AND FROM EVERY THING I SEE HEAR FEEL; A DIRECT TRANSLATION OF EXPERIENCE.
I AM NOT TRANSLATING THOUGHT, NOT MAKING ANYTHING MORE DIGESTIBLE, NOT COMPROMISING ANY THING FOR THE SAKE OF DIGESTION; I INGEST THE PHYSICAL AND THE NON-PHYSICAL AND THE RESULT IS WORDS. IT IS ACTIVE, IT IS NOT ACTIVE. I AM A VESSEL OF THIS ACTION ... BODY IS MEDIATOR.
BODY IS PUT INTO THE PHYSICAL WORLD TO OBSERVE, EXPERIENCE. THE INTERACTION OF BODY AND MIND PRODUCES THOUGHT, WORDS. I DO NOTPRODUCE WORDS, DO NOT MAKE ANY EFFORT OR TAKE ACTION; THEY PRODUCE ME. BUT SOMETIMES I MUST PUT EFFORT INTO THE TRANSLATION ... THE IDEA IS EXPRESSED EVER SO SLIGHTLY, SUBTLY, AND I HELP IT SPEAK. I OBSERVE AND WAIT PATIENTLY UNTIL IT EXPRESSES ITSELF IN WORDS. SOMETIMES IT IS IN A SHADOW, A POOL OF WATER, LIGHT THROUGH A LEAF, WIND IN LEAVES ON A TREE ... IT IS ALWAYS IN THE HAPPENING.
TODAY: IN THE SHADOWS. ANOTHER WAY OF THINKING, EXPRESSED --
FACT: OBJECTS CAST SHADOWS. THE SUN CASTS SHADOWS OF OBJECTS IT COMES INTO CONTACT WITH.
NEW FACT: SHADOWS CAST OBJECTS. FACT: SHADOWS ARE OBJECTS AND OBJECTS ARE THE SHADOWS THEY CAST. THE SHAPE OF THE PHYSICAL WORLD IS DEPENDENT ON THE POSITION OF THE SUN; THE SUN DETERMINES THE SHAPE OF THE PHYSICAL WORLD.
FACT: THE IMAGE CAST ON THE SURFACE OF A BODY OF WATER IS A REFLECTION OF THE ACTUAL IMAGE (REALITY).
NEW FACT: THE IMAGE REFLECTED IS THE ACTUAL IMAGE; THE REFLECTION IS REALITY.
ALONE, IT COMES WITH SUCH A CALM, STILLNESS ... I AM ACCOMPANIED BY SILENCE. A SWEET SILENCE. AND AN ATMOSPHERE OF PROTECTION, OF KNOWING I WILL NOT BE DISTURBED. FROM WHAT? THE WAY IN WHICH THE MIND, THOUGHT CHANGES WHEN NOT ALONE. MY REALITY TAKES A LOT TO MAINTAIN.
IT TAKES A LOT OF FOCUS, CONCENTRATION, SET UP, AND MAINTENANCE OF CIRCUMSTANCES TO REMAIN IN MY REALITY -- AND SO LITTLE TO BREAK IT. SO QUICKLY DO I FEEL I HAVE LOST IT. SO EASY TO FEEL ESTRANGED FROM IT. I LEAVE IT IDLE, DO NOT TEND TO IT, AND BEFORE I CAN WATCH IT LEAVE, IT IS GONE; IT IS DISTANT. STILL THERE, BUT DISTANT. I AM SO AFRAID TO LOSE IT... I AM SO AFRAID THAT IT WILL KEEP GROWING DISTANT, GET SMALLER AND SMALLER UNTIL IT DIMINISHES AND I CANNOT FIND IT, WON’T FIND IT, WILL NEVER FIND IT AGAIN ... MY VOICE. THE VOICE THAT SPEAKS FOR ME. ONLY TO BE LEFT WITH THE VOICE THAT I SPEAK, THE ONE THAT FEELS CONTRIVED BECAUSE IT IS MEDIATED, INTERCEPTED BY THOUGHT BEFORE IT ARRIVES, BEFORE IT COMES INTO EXISTENCE. IT IS DISTORTED, TRANSLATED BY THOUGHT; A REACTIVE VOICE.
DISTORTED BY WHAT, PROTECTED FROM WHAT -- WHAT AM I PRESERVING? I AM PRESERVING A CLARITY OF THOUGHT WHICH IS PURE, WHICH IS NOT THOUGHT BUT IS, IS. IS DEEP INSIDE AND FROM EVERY THING I SEE HEAR FEEL; A DIRECT TRANSLATION OF EXPERIENCE.
I AM NOT TRANSLATING THOUGHT, NOT MAKING ANYTHING MORE DIGESTIBLE, NOT COMPROMISING ANY THING FOR THE SAKE OF DIGESTION; I INGEST THE PHYSICAL AND THE NON-PHYSICAL AND THE RESULT IS WORDS. IT IS ACTIVE, IT IS NOT ACTIVE. I AM A VESSEL OF THIS ACTION ... BODY IS MEDIATOR.
BODY IS PUT INTO THE PHYSICAL WORLD TO OBSERVE, EXPERIENCE. THE INTERACTION OF BODY AND MIND PRODUCES THOUGHT, WORDS. I DO NOTPRODUCE WORDS, DO NOT MAKE ANY EFFORT OR TAKE ACTION; THEY PRODUCE ME. BUT SOMETIMES I MUST PUT EFFORT INTO THE TRANSLATION ... THE IDEA IS EXPRESSED EVER SO SLIGHTLY, SUBTLY, AND I HELP IT SPEAK. I OBSERVE AND WAIT PATIENTLY UNTIL IT EXPRESSES ITSELF IN WORDS. SOMETIMES IT IS IN A SHADOW, A POOL OF WATER, LIGHT THROUGH A LEAF, WIND IN LEAVES ON A TREE ... IT IS ALWAYS IN THE HAPPENING.
TODAY: IN THE SHADOWS. ANOTHER WAY OF THINKING, EXPRESSED --
FACT: OBJECTS CAST SHADOWS. THE SUN CASTS SHADOWS OF OBJECTS IT COMES INTO CONTACT WITH.
NEW FACT: SHADOWS CAST OBJECTS. FACT: SHADOWS ARE OBJECTS AND OBJECTS ARE THE SHADOWS THEY CAST. THE SHAPE OF THE PHYSICAL WORLD IS DEPENDENT ON THE POSITION OF THE SUN; THE SUN DETERMINES THE SHAPE OF THE PHYSICAL WORLD.
FACT: THE IMAGE CAST ON THE SURFACE OF A BODY OF WATER IS A REFLECTION OF THE ACTUAL IMAGE (REALITY).
NEW FACT: THE IMAGE REFLECTED IS THE ACTUAL IMAGE; THE REFLECTION IS REALITY.
︎
MONDAY APRIL 7 1103A
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SATURDAY APRIL 5 720P
I LIKE THE TASTE OF THINGS AS THEY MELT AND CHANGE TEXTURE. I LIKE BEING HERE, IT FEELS VERY WARM. IT IS RAINING OUTSIDE, OR RAINED SPORADICALLY TODAY AND THE DAY IS TURNING INTO NIGHT AND THE NIGHT FEELS LIKE RAIN -- I LIKE THAT, TOO. EVERYTHING IS SLOWER ... I FLOATED TODAY. TOOK MY SELF WHERE LIFE TAKES ME, DRIFTED IN AND OUT OF EVERY MOMENT FEELING BOTH REAL AND LIKE A DREAM ...
EVERY MOMENT JUST HAPPENS. I WELCOME EVERY MOMENT TO HAPPEN TO ME BECAUSE I TRUST EVERY MOMENT. EVERY MOMENT HAS CONSISTENCY, THERE IS COMFORT IN KNOWING ONE MOMENT LEADS TO THE NEXT AND THERE WILL ALWAYS BE ANOTHER MOMENT. THERE WILL ALWAYS BE ANOTHER MOMENT ... YET I DO NOT LIVE FOR ANOTHER MOMENT. I LIVE FOR THIS MOMENT AND WITH THE COMFORT OF KNOWING THERE WILL BE A NEXT MOMENT SO I CAN LIVE IN THAT ONE, TOO. I LIVE MOMENT TO MOMENT ... I AM ONLY WHAT IS HAPPENING.
OH, I FEEL I AM DREAMING ... I KNOW NOT EVERYONE THINKS THIS WAY AND I WANT TO STAY DREAMING. I DO NOT WANT TO COME BACK TO REALITY ... IT IS HEAVY AND LADEN WITH FEAR AND MAKES PEOPLE NOT PEOPLE BUT SYMBOLS, SYMBOLS OF FEARS AND THE SYMBOLS OVERLAP AND PEOPLE ARE ONE THING AND ANOTHER THEN ANOTHER ... I CANNOT KEEP UP. REALITY HAS TOO MANY SYMBOLS. SIGNIFIERS. REALITY HAS TOO MUCH MEANING. I WANT A REALITY DEVOID OF MEANING. ONLY THEN WILL I FIND MEANING.
ONLY THEN, I WILL NOT HAVE TO FIND MEANING ... MEANING WILL FIND ME.
MEANING WILL FIND ME IN THE LACK OF MEANING.
EVERY MOMENT JUST HAPPENS. I WELCOME EVERY MOMENT TO HAPPEN TO ME BECAUSE I TRUST EVERY MOMENT. EVERY MOMENT HAS CONSISTENCY, THERE IS COMFORT IN KNOWING ONE MOMENT LEADS TO THE NEXT AND THERE WILL ALWAYS BE ANOTHER MOMENT. THERE WILL ALWAYS BE ANOTHER MOMENT ... YET I DO NOT LIVE FOR ANOTHER MOMENT. I LIVE FOR THIS MOMENT AND WITH THE COMFORT OF KNOWING THERE WILL BE A NEXT MOMENT SO I CAN LIVE IN THAT ONE, TOO. I LIVE MOMENT TO MOMENT ... I AM ONLY WHAT IS HAPPENING.
OH, I FEEL I AM DREAMING ... I KNOW NOT EVERYONE THINKS THIS WAY AND I WANT TO STAY DREAMING. I DO NOT WANT TO COME BACK TO REALITY ... IT IS HEAVY AND LADEN WITH FEAR AND MAKES PEOPLE NOT PEOPLE BUT SYMBOLS, SYMBOLS OF FEARS AND THE SYMBOLS OVERLAP AND PEOPLE ARE ONE THING AND ANOTHER THEN ANOTHER ... I CANNOT KEEP UP. REALITY HAS TOO MANY SYMBOLS. SIGNIFIERS. REALITY HAS TOO MUCH MEANING. I WANT A REALITY DEVOID OF MEANING. ONLY THEN WILL I FIND MEANING.
ONLY THEN, I WILL NOT HAVE TO FIND MEANING ... MEANING WILL FIND ME.
MEANING WILL FIND ME IN THE LACK OF MEANING.
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FRIDAY APRIL 4 1235P
“IT’S BY MERE COINCIDENCE THAT I AM I”
“IT’S BY MERE COINCIDENCE THAT I AM I”
I AM I -- THE WORLD HAS CREATED ME AS I, AS WHERE I’VE BEEN AND WHERE I AM, AND I CAN ONLY CONTINUE TO LIVE IT; I CAN ONLY CONTINUE TO LIVE THIS EXISTENCE, “MY” EXISTENCE, WHICH WAS GIVEN TO ME BEFORE I EXISTED AND BECAME MINE WHEN I BEGAN TO EXIST. NOW I AM EXISTING IN IT AND I CANNOT HELP BUT THINK, “THIS IS MY EXISTENCE,” AND KEEP ON LIVING IT.
THIS EXISTENCE HAS GIVEN ME MY SELF, I CANNOT SEPARATE THAT (MY SELF) FROM MY EXISTENCE. I AM BOTH RESPONSIBLE AND IRRESPONSIBLE FOR MY EXISTENCE -- IT WAS HANDED TO ME WITH THE EXPECTATION THAT I WOULD CARRY IT, SEE IT THROUGH -- I WAS GIVEN THE RESPONSIBILITY OF MY EXISTENCE AND THIS IS WHERE I AM IRRESPONSIBLE: I QUESTION MY EXISTENCE. I DOUBT MY EXISTENCE. I AM SKEPTICAL OF MY EXISTENCE BECAUSE IT WAS HANDED TO ME, IT DOES NOT FEEL LIKE MINE. I DO NOT THINK MY EXISTENCE IS MINE ... BUT MY EXISTENCE IS MY SELF AND WITHOUT MY EXISTENCE I DO NOT EXIST. IT IS BECAUSE I SEPARATE MY SELF FROM MY EXISTENCE? I OBSERVE MY EXISTENCE FROM MY SELF AND THEREFORE IT IS NOT MINE ... ONLY MY SELF IS MINE. MY SELF EXISTS IN THESE WORDS AND THOSE ARE MINE.
MY EXISTENCE: DOES NOT EXIST IN WORDS. MY EXISTENCE IS PHYSICAL AND NEEDS TO BE TRANSLATED. MY EXISTENCE EXISTS IN THE PHYSICAL WORLD WITH OTHER PHYSICAL EXISTENCES. MY EXISTENCE INTERACTS WITH OTHER EXISTANCES AND GENERATES, LIVES IN A SHARED REALITY. MY SELF IMAGINES WHAT IS REAL, AND THAT IS REALITY.
THIS EXISTENCE HAS GIVEN ME MY SELF, I CANNOT SEPARATE THAT (MY SELF) FROM MY EXISTENCE. I AM BOTH RESPONSIBLE AND IRRESPONSIBLE FOR MY EXISTENCE -- IT WAS HANDED TO ME WITH THE EXPECTATION THAT I WOULD CARRY IT, SEE IT THROUGH -- I WAS GIVEN THE RESPONSIBILITY OF MY EXISTENCE AND THIS IS WHERE I AM IRRESPONSIBLE: I QUESTION MY EXISTENCE. I DOUBT MY EXISTENCE. I AM SKEPTICAL OF MY EXISTENCE BECAUSE IT WAS HANDED TO ME, IT DOES NOT FEEL LIKE MINE. I DO NOT THINK MY EXISTENCE IS MINE ... BUT MY EXISTENCE IS MY SELF AND WITHOUT MY EXISTENCE I DO NOT EXIST. IT IS BECAUSE I SEPARATE MY SELF FROM MY EXISTENCE? I OBSERVE MY EXISTENCE FROM MY SELF AND THEREFORE IT IS NOT MINE ... ONLY MY SELF IS MINE. MY SELF EXISTS IN THESE WORDS AND THOSE ARE MINE.
MY EXISTENCE: DOES NOT EXIST IN WORDS. MY EXISTENCE IS PHYSICAL AND NEEDS TO BE TRANSLATED. MY EXISTENCE EXISTS IN THE PHYSICAL WORLD WITH OTHER PHYSICAL EXISTENCES. MY EXISTENCE INTERACTS WITH OTHER EXISTANCES AND GENERATES, LIVES IN A SHARED REALITY. MY SELF IMAGINES WHAT IS REAL, AND THAT IS REALITY.
︎
WEDNESDAY APRIL 2 9P, OR SO ...
THE BEGINNING OF A DAY, A DAY OF MANY BEGINNINGS ...
THE BEGINNING OF A DAY, A DAY OF MANY BEGINNINGS ...
I FEEL I HAVE BEEN BORN AGAIN, REBIRTHED; NO, I HAVE AWAKENED. I HAVE COME TO FILL MY SELF AGAIN.
I AM IN MY ROOM, I AM SITTING IN THE SAME CHAIR LOOKING AT THE SAME BED YET SOMETHING IS DIFFERENT. SOMETHING IS DIFFERENT -- NO THING IS DIFFERENT, NO, NO THING HAS CHANGED. IT IS THE FEELING; THE FEELING HAS CHANGED. THE FEELING IS DIFFERENT. I FEEL I AM IN MY ROOM FOR THE FIRST TIME.
IT DOES NOT FEEL FOREIGN, IT FEELS FAMILIAR. NO, I DON’T KNOW, MAYBE SOMETHING HAS CHANGED ... IT IS ALMOST SPRING. I HAVE NOT FELT WARMTH IN THIS ROOM YET, OR THE POSITION OF THE SUN AS IT SHINES THROUGH MY WINDOW IN THE LATE AFTERNOON OF SPRING. AND THE DAFFODILS ... THE DAFFODILS! I HAVE NEVER NOTICED THEM BEFORE, NOT LIKE THIS. I AM WRITING LIKE AN EMPHATIC POET BUT IT IS TRUE: I HAVE NEVER SEEN THE DAFFODILS LIKE THIS BEFORE.
TODAY I TOOK A WALK IN THE PARK AND I WENT TOO FAR, REALIZED I HAD MISSED THE DAFFODILS AND WAS FILLED WITH SADNESS. UNTIL THERE THEY WERE AGAIN: THE SMALLEST DAFFODILS I HAVE EVER SEEN. I KNOW THIS BECAUSE THEY WERE NEXT TO NORMAL-SIZED DAFFODILS, ONES I HAVE SEEN BEFORE, MANY TIMES. BUT NEXT TO THESE SMALL DAFFODILS EVEN THE ONES I HAD SEEN BEFORE I HAD FELT I HAD NOT SEEN -- AND I HADN’T. I HAVE NEVER SEEN THESE DAFFODILS. NOT THESE PARTICULAR ONES. NOT THESE SMALL NOR SLIGHTLY LARGER DAFFODILS THAT HAVE SPRUNG FROM THE GROUND THIS VERY SPRING, FROM THIS PARTICULAR PATCH OF EARTH TO PRESENT THEMSELVES TO ME THIS VERY DAY. OH, THE DAFFODILS HAVE BROUGHT ME THIS DAY ... TO SEE THIS DAY AS A NEW DAY AND EACH MOMENT A NEW MOMENT.
IN THIS ONE: I AM SITTING IN MY ROOM. I AM SO CLOSE TO THE DAFFODILS IN THE PARK, TO BEING IN THE PARK NOT TWELVE HOURS AGO, THAT THE MOMENTS IN THOSE TWELVE HOURS HAVE COMPRESSED AND THERE IS NOTHING BETWEEN BEING IN THE PARK, WITH THE DAFFODILS, AND BEING IN MY ROOM. AND THIS FEELING: EASE? I DO NOT HAVE A NAME FOR IT. IF I SEARCH FOR ONE TOO HARD I’M AFRAID IT WILL DIE, SUFFOCATE UNDER THE WEIGHT OF WORDS, THE PILE OF WORDS THAT WILL ACCUMULATE AFTER I ATTEMPT TO FIND THE RIGHT ONE AND DISCARD EACH ONE AFTER THE NEXT UNTIL THERE IS NOTHING BUT A PILE OF EMPTY WORDS AND A DEAD FEELING ... I MUST RETURN. I MUST NOT THINK ...
THERE IS SOMETHING DIFFERENT ABOUT THE DEPTH OF THE ROOM ... NO, NOT THE DEPTH INSIDE OF THE ROOM BUT THE DEPTH OF EVERYTHING OUTSIDE OF THE ROOM: IT IS NO LONGER THERE. NOTHING OUTSIDE OF THIS ROOM HAS DEPTH, MATTER, MEANING; I DO NOT NEED TO THINK ANYMORE ABOUT WHAT IS OUTSIDE OF THE ROOM BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING THERE. I ONLY KNOW THINGS EXIST BECAUSE THEY ALL EXIST IN HERE. I ONLY KNOW I EXIST BECAUSE I EXIST IN HERE, TOO.
I EXIST IN HERE; HERE I AM, EXISTING; HERE, I AM EXISTING. HERE, THE DEPTH OF THE ROOM HAS CHANGED -- YES, I MOVED THE LAMP JUST BEFORE, I AM REMEMBERING NOW. THE LAMP IS POINTING TOWARD THE WALL IN A DIFFERENT WAY AND THAT IS WHY EVERYTHING FEELS DIFFERENT. BUT I AM HEARING SOUNDS FROM THE RADIATOR FOR THE FIRST TIME ... THE RADIATOR IS MAKING SOUNDS IN CIRCLES AS IT ALWAYS DOES, ALWAYS DID, AND I AM HEARING IT NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME. THIS SOUND HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE ANGLE OF THE LIGHT. ...
THE LIGHT IS REVEALING THE FRAME OF A DOOR, A DOOR THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN THERE. HERE I AM, SEEING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME. AND THE DOOR SITS DIRECTLY BEHIND MY BED, HOVERING ABOVE MY HEAD AND FRAMING MY BODY AS IT SLEEPS. I IMAGINE IT COMING DOWN TO COVER ME EACH EVENING, EACH NIGHT I FALL INTO A DEEP SLEEP (I ALWAYS DO). AND? THE FRAME IS RECESSED INTO THE WALL. MAYBE I AM THE ONE WHO APPROACHES THE DOOR FRAME IN THE NIGHT, IN MY SLEEP I FOLD UP INTO THE RECESS OF THE FRAME, INTO THE VOID ... I FILL THE SPACE OF THE VOID.
NOTHING IS FILLING SPACE IN THE ROOM. EVERY THING EXISTS AS ITS OWN SPACE, EXACTLY AS IT SHOULD BE, OUGHT TO BE, IS -- AS SPACE. YES, THE DEPTH OF THE ROOM IS DIFFERENT, THERE IS NO POSITIVE SPACE OR NEGATIVE SPACE, NO SPACE FILLED OR SPACE EMPTY -- THERE IS ONLY SPACE. MY SELF, INCLUDED; I AM PART OF SPACE.
YES, THE DEPTH OF THE ROOM. THE SPACE. DIFFERENT: THERE IS NO DEPTH. THERE IS A ROOM THAT IS ONLY A ROOM BECAUSE A ROOM IS DEFINED BY ITS WALLS AND THIS ROOM HAS WALLS. INSIDE OF THE WALLS IS THE ROOM THAT NO LONGER NEEDS WALLS TO DEFINE IT BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING INSIDE OR OUTSIDE OF THESE WALLS, THIS ROOM: THERE IS ONLY SPACE.
I AM NOT COMPELLED TO LEAVE THE SPACE. IN FACT, I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE THE SPACE. BUT I WILL LEAVE THE SPACE, AND I WILL STAY IN THE SPACE; THIS SPACE WILL FIND SPACE IN ME.
I CLOSE MY EYES. THERE IS A SUNRISE, OR A SUNSET. IT IS MUCH EASIER TO IMAGINE A SUNRISE BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO IMAGINE THE DAY ENDING, THE ENDING OF A DAY, ANOTHER DAY ADDED TO THE OTHER DAYS THAT HAVE ENDED, THE DAYS YOU HAVE WITNESSED, WATCHED, EXPERIENCED, LIVED -- YOU HAVE LIVED THE END OF MANY DAYS. AND TODAY, FOR THE FIRST TIME, YOU FEEL YOU ARE LIVING THE BEGINNING OF ONE. THE BEGINNING OF A DAY, A DAY OF MANY BEGINNINGS ...
I AM IN MY ROOM, I AM SITTING IN THE SAME CHAIR LOOKING AT THE SAME BED YET SOMETHING IS DIFFERENT. SOMETHING IS DIFFERENT -- NO THING IS DIFFERENT, NO, NO THING HAS CHANGED. IT IS THE FEELING; THE FEELING HAS CHANGED. THE FEELING IS DIFFERENT. I FEEL I AM IN MY ROOM FOR THE FIRST TIME.
IT DOES NOT FEEL FOREIGN, IT FEELS FAMILIAR. NO, I DON’T KNOW, MAYBE SOMETHING HAS CHANGED ... IT IS ALMOST SPRING. I HAVE NOT FELT WARMTH IN THIS ROOM YET, OR THE POSITION OF THE SUN AS IT SHINES THROUGH MY WINDOW IN THE LATE AFTERNOON OF SPRING. AND THE DAFFODILS ... THE DAFFODILS! I HAVE NEVER NOTICED THEM BEFORE, NOT LIKE THIS. I AM WRITING LIKE AN EMPHATIC POET BUT IT IS TRUE: I HAVE NEVER SEEN THE DAFFODILS LIKE THIS BEFORE.
TODAY I TOOK A WALK IN THE PARK AND I WENT TOO FAR, REALIZED I HAD MISSED THE DAFFODILS AND WAS FILLED WITH SADNESS. UNTIL THERE THEY WERE AGAIN: THE SMALLEST DAFFODILS I HAVE EVER SEEN. I KNOW THIS BECAUSE THEY WERE NEXT TO NORMAL-SIZED DAFFODILS, ONES I HAVE SEEN BEFORE, MANY TIMES. BUT NEXT TO THESE SMALL DAFFODILS EVEN THE ONES I HAD SEEN BEFORE I HAD FELT I HAD NOT SEEN -- AND I HADN’T. I HAVE NEVER SEEN THESE DAFFODILS. NOT THESE PARTICULAR ONES. NOT THESE SMALL NOR SLIGHTLY LARGER DAFFODILS THAT HAVE SPRUNG FROM THE GROUND THIS VERY SPRING, FROM THIS PARTICULAR PATCH OF EARTH TO PRESENT THEMSELVES TO ME THIS VERY DAY. OH, THE DAFFODILS HAVE BROUGHT ME THIS DAY ... TO SEE THIS DAY AS A NEW DAY AND EACH MOMENT A NEW MOMENT.
IN THIS ONE: I AM SITTING IN MY ROOM. I AM SO CLOSE TO THE DAFFODILS IN THE PARK, TO BEING IN THE PARK NOT TWELVE HOURS AGO, THAT THE MOMENTS IN THOSE TWELVE HOURS HAVE COMPRESSED AND THERE IS NOTHING BETWEEN BEING IN THE PARK, WITH THE DAFFODILS, AND BEING IN MY ROOM. AND THIS FEELING: EASE? I DO NOT HAVE A NAME FOR IT. IF I SEARCH FOR ONE TOO HARD I’M AFRAID IT WILL DIE, SUFFOCATE UNDER THE WEIGHT OF WORDS, THE PILE OF WORDS THAT WILL ACCUMULATE AFTER I ATTEMPT TO FIND THE RIGHT ONE AND DISCARD EACH ONE AFTER THE NEXT UNTIL THERE IS NOTHING BUT A PILE OF EMPTY WORDS AND A DEAD FEELING ... I MUST RETURN. I MUST NOT THINK ...
THERE IS SOMETHING DIFFERENT ABOUT THE DEPTH OF THE ROOM ... NO, NOT THE DEPTH INSIDE OF THE ROOM BUT THE DEPTH OF EVERYTHING OUTSIDE OF THE ROOM: IT IS NO LONGER THERE. NOTHING OUTSIDE OF THIS ROOM HAS DEPTH, MATTER, MEANING; I DO NOT NEED TO THINK ANYMORE ABOUT WHAT IS OUTSIDE OF THE ROOM BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING THERE. I ONLY KNOW THINGS EXIST BECAUSE THEY ALL EXIST IN HERE. I ONLY KNOW I EXIST BECAUSE I EXIST IN HERE, TOO.
I EXIST IN HERE; HERE I AM, EXISTING; HERE, I AM EXISTING. HERE, THE DEPTH OF THE ROOM HAS CHANGED -- YES, I MOVED THE LAMP JUST BEFORE, I AM REMEMBERING NOW. THE LAMP IS POINTING TOWARD THE WALL IN A DIFFERENT WAY AND THAT IS WHY EVERYTHING FEELS DIFFERENT. BUT I AM HEARING SOUNDS FROM THE RADIATOR FOR THE FIRST TIME ... THE RADIATOR IS MAKING SOUNDS IN CIRCLES AS IT ALWAYS DOES, ALWAYS DID, AND I AM HEARING IT NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME. THIS SOUND HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE ANGLE OF THE LIGHT. ...
THE LIGHT IS REVEALING THE FRAME OF A DOOR, A DOOR THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN THERE. HERE I AM, SEEING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME. AND THE DOOR SITS DIRECTLY BEHIND MY BED, HOVERING ABOVE MY HEAD AND FRAMING MY BODY AS IT SLEEPS. I IMAGINE IT COMING DOWN TO COVER ME EACH EVENING, EACH NIGHT I FALL INTO A DEEP SLEEP (I ALWAYS DO). AND? THE FRAME IS RECESSED INTO THE WALL. MAYBE I AM THE ONE WHO APPROACHES THE DOOR FRAME IN THE NIGHT, IN MY SLEEP I FOLD UP INTO THE RECESS OF THE FRAME, INTO THE VOID ... I FILL THE SPACE OF THE VOID.
NOTHING IS FILLING SPACE IN THE ROOM. EVERY THING EXISTS AS ITS OWN SPACE, EXACTLY AS IT SHOULD BE, OUGHT TO BE, IS -- AS SPACE. YES, THE DEPTH OF THE ROOM IS DIFFERENT, THERE IS NO POSITIVE SPACE OR NEGATIVE SPACE, NO SPACE FILLED OR SPACE EMPTY -- THERE IS ONLY SPACE. MY SELF, INCLUDED; I AM PART OF SPACE.
YES, THE DEPTH OF THE ROOM. THE SPACE. DIFFERENT: THERE IS NO DEPTH. THERE IS A ROOM THAT IS ONLY A ROOM BECAUSE A ROOM IS DEFINED BY ITS WALLS AND THIS ROOM HAS WALLS. INSIDE OF THE WALLS IS THE ROOM THAT NO LONGER NEEDS WALLS TO DEFINE IT BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING INSIDE OR OUTSIDE OF THESE WALLS, THIS ROOM: THERE IS ONLY SPACE.
I AM NOT COMPELLED TO LEAVE THE SPACE. IN FACT, I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE THE SPACE. BUT I WILL LEAVE THE SPACE, AND I WILL STAY IN THE SPACE; THIS SPACE WILL FIND SPACE IN ME.
I CLOSE MY EYES. THERE IS A SUNRISE, OR A SUNSET. IT IS MUCH EASIER TO IMAGINE A SUNRISE BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO IMAGINE THE DAY ENDING, THE ENDING OF A DAY, ANOTHER DAY ADDED TO THE OTHER DAYS THAT HAVE ENDED, THE DAYS YOU HAVE WITNESSED, WATCHED, EXPERIENCED, LIVED -- YOU HAVE LIVED THE END OF MANY DAYS. AND TODAY, FOR THE FIRST TIME, YOU FEEL YOU ARE LIVING THE BEGINNING OF ONE. THE BEGINNING OF A DAY, A DAY OF MANY BEGINNINGS ...
1038A
THE SEARCH TAKES THE ENTIRE TIME; I AM WAITING. I ASK AGAIN
THE SEARCH TAKES THE ENTIRE TIME; I AM WAITING. I ASK AGAIN
(WHAT IS THE PRECISE WEIGHT OF RESPONSIBILITY?) DECISIONS OF TODAY WILL BECOME MY TOMORROW ...
THERE IS LITTLE CONSEQUENCE IN SAYING YOU WANT SOMETHING. THERE ARE ONLY WORDS, PASSING FEELINGS YOU INHABIT BRIEFLY UNTIL YOU INHABIT THEM REPEATEDLY, PROLONGINGLY, AND THE WANT BECOMES A NEED BECOMES AN ACTION -- A DECISION.
DECISIONS OF TODAY DICTATE DECISIONS OF TOMORROW, DICTATE TOMORROW, YET TOMORROW IS ONLY A LOOSE FRAMEWORK GIVEN BY TODAY ... TOMORROW DOES NOT EXIST. TODAY DOES NOT EXIST, NOT IN ITS ENTIRETY, IT IS ONLY THIS MOMENT THAT EXISTS -- THAT IS CALLED THE PRESENT. BUT THERE IS NO WORD FOR IT, REALLY. THERE ARE NO MEANS BY WHICH TO CAPTURE THE PRESENT, TO CAPTURE WHAT IS, BECAUSE ONCE IT IS CAPTURED IT IS NO LONGER THE MOMENT. IS NOT LONGER IS; IS, WAS.
AS SOON AS WE THINK ABOUT WHAT IS, WE HAVE ARRIVED TOO LATE; WHAT IS HAS ALREADY ESCAPED US. ONE IS TO THE NEXT IS IS ONE CONTINUOUS IS THAT WE INHABIT, THAT WE ARE ALWAYS INHABITING, THAT WE CAN NEVER ESCAPE BUT IS ALWAYS ESCAPING US.
WHAT IS? WHAT IS IT? IT CANNOT BE DEFINED. I AM FOOLISH TO ATTEMPT TO THINK ABOUT IT, TO WRITE ABOUT IT, TO PUT IT IN TO WORDS, BECAUSE IT CANNOT BE DEFINED. YET I CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT ... AND PERHAPS THAT IS WHY: IT CANNOT BE DEFINED.
THERE IS NO CONCLUSION. THE ESSENCE OF WHAT IS, OF WHAT IS TRYING TO BE DEFINED, IS THE ESSENCE OF WHAT I AM: THE ESSENCE OF EXISTENCE. I AM NOTHING BUT A PRODUCT OF EXISTENCE. I AM ONE SMALL PRODUCT OF EXISTENCE AND I CONTINUE TO LIVE IN EXISTENCE; I WILL ALWAYS BE A PART OF EXISTENCE. HOW CAN I DEFINE SOMETHING THAT PRECEDES ME, SOMETHING THAT CREATED ME, CONTAINS ME? I CANNOT USE WORDS; I CAN ONLY LIVE IT. I CAN ONLY DEFINE EXISTENCE BY LIVING IT.
WHY EVEN TRY TO USE WORDS! WORDS ARE SO FOREIGN TO EXISTENCE. YET I CANNOT SEPARATE MY SELF FROM WORDS; THEY ARE PART OF MY EXISTENCE. AND MY EXISTENCE IS PART OF AN EXISTENCE THAT USES WORDS, AN EXISTENCE THAT USES WORDS TO DEFINE EXISTENCE. I EXIST, THEREFORE I AM. WHY MUST I SAY IT? I DO NOT KNOW.
I DO THINK WORDS HAVE FOUND THEIR WAY INSIDE OF ME, THAT LANGUAGE HAS ENTERED ME AND FOUND ITS OWN EXISTENCE. FOR THIS REASON I DO NOT ALWAYS TRUST WHAT I THINK -- WORDS APPEAR IN MY MIND AND EXPECT TO BE TAKEN IN BY MY SELF AS FACT, ABSORBED AS TRUTH, ABSORBED AS PARTS OF MY SELF, AS MY SELF. I INTERRUPT -- I THINK, CONSIDER, QUESTION IF THE WORDS ARE INTRUDERS, FOREIGN OBJECTS THAT HAVE ENTERED MY MIND LIKE A PERMEABLE MEMBRANE (WORDS BECOME PHYSICAL, MY MIND BECOMES PHYSICAL; MY MIND BECOMES MY BRAIN AND THOUGHTS BECOME SIGNALS).
I AM A PERMEABLE MEMBRANE. I AM A FLUIDITY OF INTERNAL AND EXTERNAL AND AN EXISTENCE THAT FLOATS IN BETWEEN. EXISTENCE PERMEATES THE MEMBRANE OF MY EXISTENCE AND DISSOLVES OUR EXISTENCES; WE ARE ONE EXISTENCE.
[I CANNOT SEPARATE MY SELF FROM EVERY THING THAT IS NOT MY SELF; THERE IS NOTHING TO DISTINGUISH]
[YET EVERYTHING IS SO PERSONAL AND I CANNOT SEPARATE HOW I THINK FROM WHO I AM; MY WORDS ARE A PRODUCT OF MY EXISTENCE ... ]
THERE IS LITTLE CONSEQUENCE IN SAYING YOU WANT SOMETHING. THERE ARE ONLY WORDS, PASSING FEELINGS YOU INHABIT BRIEFLY UNTIL YOU INHABIT THEM REPEATEDLY, PROLONGINGLY, AND THE WANT BECOMES A NEED BECOMES AN ACTION -- A DECISION.
DECISIONS OF TODAY DICTATE DECISIONS OF TOMORROW, DICTATE TOMORROW, YET TOMORROW IS ONLY A LOOSE FRAMEWORK GIVEN BY TODAY ... TOMORROW DOES NOT EXIST. TODAY DOES NOT EXIST, NOT IN ITS ENTIRETY, IT IS ONLY THIS MOMENT THAT EXISTS -- THAT IS CALLED THE PRESENT. BUT THERE IS NO WORD FOR IT, REALLY. THERE ARE NO MEANS BY WHICH TO CAPTURE THE PRESENT, TO CAPTURE WHAT IS, BECAUSE ONCE IT IS CAPTURED IT IS NO LONGER THE MOMENT. IS NOT LONGER IS; IS, WAS.
AS SOON AS WE THINK ABOUT WHAT IS, WE HAVE ARRIVED TOO LATE; WHAT IS HAS ALREADY ESCAPED US. ONE IS TO THE NEXT IS IS ONE CONTINUOUS IS THAT WE INHABIT, THAT WE ARE ALWAYS INHABITING, THAT WE CAN NEVER ESCAPE BUT IS ALWAYS ESCAPING US.
WHAT IS? WHAT IS IT? IT CANNOT BE DEFINED. I AM FOOLISH TO ATTEMPT TO THINK ABOUT IT, TO WRITE ABOUT IT, TO PUT IT IN TO WORDS, BECAUSE IT CANNOT BE DEFINED. YET I CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT ... AND PERHAPS THAT IS WHY: IT CANNOT BE DEFINED.
THERE IS NO CONCLUSION. THE ESSENCE OF WHAT IS, OF WHAT IS TRYING TO BE DEFINED, IS THE ESSENCE OF WHAT I AM: THE ESSENCE OF EXISTENCE. I AM NOTHING BUT A PRODUCT OF EXISTENCE. I AM ONE SMALL PRODUCT OF EXISTENCE AND I CONTINUE TO LIVE IN EXISTENCE; I WILL ALWAYS BE A PART OF EXISTENCE. HOW CAN I DEFINE SOMETHING THAT PRECEDES ME, SOMETHING THAT CREATED ME, CONTAINS ME? I CANNOT USE WORDS; I CAN ONLY LIVE IT. I CAN ONLY DEFINE EXISTENCE BY LIVING IT.
WHY EVEN TRY TO USE WORDS! WORDS ARE SO FOREIGN TO EXISTENCE. YET I CANNOT SEPARATE MY SELF FROM WORDS; THEY ARE PART OF MY EXISTENCE. AND MY EXISTENCE IS PART OF AN EXISTENCE THAT USES WORDS, AN EXISTENCE THAT USES WORDS TO DEFINE EXISTENCE. I EXIST, THEREFORE I AM. WHY MUST I SAY IT? I DO NOT KNOW.
I DO THINK WORDS HAVE FOUND THEIR WAY INSIDE OF ME, THAT LANGUAGE HAS ENTERED ME AND FOUND ITS OWN EXISTENCE. FOR THIS REASON I DO NOT ALWAYS TRUST WHAT I THINK -- WORDS APPEAR IN MY MIND AND EXPECT TO BE TAKEN IN BY MY SELF AS FACT, ABSORBED AS TRUTH, ABSORBED AS PARTS OF MY SELF, AS MY SELF. I INTERRUPT -- I THINK, CONSIDER, QUESTION IF THE WORDS ARE INTRUDERS, FOREIGN OBJECTS THAT HAVE ENTERED MY MIND LIKE A PERMEABLE MEMBRANE (WORDS BECOME PHYSICAL, MY MIND BECOMES PHYSICAL; MY MIND BECOMES MY BRAIN AND THOUGHTS BECOME SIGNALS).
I AM A PERMEABLE MEMBRANE. I AM A FLUIDITY OF INTERNAL AND EXTERNAL AND AN EXISTENCE THAT FLOATS IN BETWEEN. EXISTENCE PERMEATES THE MEMBRANE OF MY EXISTENCE AND DISSOLVES OUR EXISTENCES; WE ARE ONE EXISTENCE.
[I CANNOT SEPARATE MY SELF FROM EVERY THING THAT IS NOT MY SELF; THERE IS NOTHING TO DISTINGUISH]
[YET EVERYTHING IS SO PERSONAL AND I CANNOT SEPARATE HOW I THINK FROM WHO I AM; MY WORDS ARE A PRODUCT OF MY EXISTENCE ... ]
︎
