MARCH 2025
SUNDAY MARCH 30 1030A
AT MY DESK: I AM LOOKING AT DEAD DAFFODILS I HAVE NEGLECTED TO LOOK AT. THE TAPE CORNERS PEELING BACK, THE ITEMS, DUST ACCUMULATED; TIME HAS PASSED.
AND WHERE HAVE I BEEN IN TIME’S PASSING? NOT AT THIS DESK, EVERY DAY, MANAGING AND TENDING TO THE EFFECTS OF TIME: ACCUMULATION, DETERIORATION. THERE IS GORILLA GLUE NOW ON THIS DESK, RESIDUE FROM A TWO-DAY PROJECT THAT NEGLECTED THIS DESK. THERE IS ALLERGY MEDICATION AND A TAMPON, PHYSICAL REMINDERS, REMINDERS THAT BRING ME BACK TO MY BODY, REMINDERS OF MY BODY, THAT I HAVE A BODY, THAT I AM IN A BODY. THERE ARE THREE OF THE PENS I USE TO WRITE, ALL AT THE SAME VISIBLE LEVEL OF INK: DEPLETED. I WONDER IF THEY ARE COMPLETELY USED UP. WORN OUT, EXHAUSTED. I AM HOLDING ON TO THEM, OR THE DESK IS HOLDING ON TO THEM, UNTIL THEY ARE ENTIRELY EMPTY, DEPLETED, USELESS. DEAD.
ALL OF THE BOOKS ON MY DESK: TEN, NOT INCLUDING THE TWO I JUST REMOVED TO MAKE ROOM FOR THIS ONE. THIS NOTEBOOK AND ONE OTHER NOTEBOOK, GIVEN TO ME BY THOMAS TO TRANSCRIBE A BOOK OF POEMS BY T.S. ELIOT, WHICH IS THE BOOK SITTING ON TOP OF THE SECOND NOTEBOOK, THE ONE I AM NOT CURRENTLY WRITING IN. THREE OTHER BOOKS OF POETRY: ONE OF EZRA POUND I BOUGHT FOR THE WRITING, AND TWO OTHERS BY UNKNOWN AUTHORS I BOUGHT FOR THEIR DESIGN. I THINK I WILL LIKE THE WRITING IN THEM, TOO.
THESE THREE MAKE PART OF FOUR BOOKS ON MY DESK AS A COLLECTION OF DESIGN REFERENCES. THE FOURTH I AM CURRENTLY READING: SARTRE’S NAUSEA [MY SECOND TIME READING IT, MY FIRST TIME IN MEMORABLE TIME RE-READING A BOOK I’VE ALREADY READ, MY FIRST TIME READING ANNOTATIONS FROM A PAST SELF IN A PRESENT BOOK]. THIS COLLECTION OF FOUR BOOKS IS REFERENCE FOR THE STACK OF PAPERS UNDER THE THREE POETRY BOOKS, THE BOOK THAT HAS BEEN WRITTEN BY A PAST SELF, BY ME, WHO I REFER TO AS A PAST SELF, WRITTEN AS N/A TISCHLER, AS A REMOVAL OF MY SELF.
ON TOP OF THIS REMOVAL, ON TOP OF THREE OTHER POETRY BOOKS, IS THE LAST BOOK I FINISHED READING: A COLLECTION OF PIECES BY GEORGE PEREC. ONE OF WHICH IS A TAXONOMY OF THE THINGS ON HIS DESK. ON TOP OF THESE THINGS IS THE BEAUTY OF EVERYDAY THINGS, A BOOK GIVEN TO ME BY ADAM, WITH A NOTE WRITTEN INSIDE. IF YOU GIVE SOMEONE A BOOK, YOU MUST WRITE A NOTE INSIDE. THE NOTE IN THE BOOK ON TOP OF THE BOOKS IS UNDER THE GORILLA GLUE.
AND WHERE HAVE I BEEN IN TIME’S PASSING? NOT AT THIS DESK, EVERY DAY, MANAGING AND TENDING TO THE EFFECTS OF TIME: ACCUMULATION, DETERIORATION. THERE IS GORILLA GLUE NOW ON THIS DESK, RESIDUE FROM A TWO-DAY PROJECT THAT NEGLECTED THIS DESK. THERE IS ALLERGY MEDICATION AND A TAMPON, PHYSICAL REMINDERS, REMINDERS THAT BRING ME BACK TO MY BODY, REMINDERS OF MY BODY, THAT I HAVE A BODY, THAT I AM IN A BODY. THERE ARE THREE OF THE PENS I USE TO WRITE, ALL AT THE SAME VISIBLE LEVEL OF INK: DEPLETED. I WONDER IF THEY ARE COMPLETELY USED UP. WORN OUT, EXHAUSTED. I AM HOLDING ON TO THEM, OR THE DESK IS HOLDING ON TO THEM, UNTIL THEY ARE ENTIRELY EMPTY, DEPLETED, USELESS. DEAD.
ALL OF THE BOOKS ON MY DESK: TEN, NOT INCLUDING THE TWO I JUST REMOVED TO MAKE ROOM FOR THIS ONE. THIS NOTEBOOK AND ONE OTHER NOTEBOOK, GIVEN TO ME BY THOMAS TO TRANSCRIBE A BOOK OF POEMS BY T.S. ELIOT, WHICH IS THE BOOK SITTING ON TOP OF THE SECOND NOTEBOOK, THE ONE I AM NOT CURRENTLY WRITING IN. THREE OTHER BOOKS OF POETRY: ONE OF EZRA POUND I BOUGHT FOR THE WRITING, AND TWO OTHERS BY UNKNOWN AUTHORS I BOUGHT FOR THEIR DESIGN. I THINK I WILL LIKE THE WRITING IN THEM, TOO.
THESE THREE MAKE PART OF FOUR BOOKS ON MY DESK AS A COLLECTION OF DESIGN REFERENCES. THE FOURTH I AM CURRENTLY READING: SARTRE’S NAUSEA [MY SECOND TIME READING IT, MY FIRST TIME IN MEMORABLE TIME RE-READING A BOOK I’VE ALREADY READ, MY FIRST TIME READING ANNOTATIONS FROM A PAST SELF IN A PRESENT BOOK]. THIS COLLECTION OF FOUR BOOKS IS REFERENCE FOR THE STACK OF PAPERS UNDER THE THREE POETRY BOOKS, THE BOOK THAT HAS BEEN WRITTEN BY A PAST SELF, BY ME, WHO I REFER TO AS A PAST SELF, WRITTEN AS N/A TISCHLER, AS A REMOVAL OF MY SELF.
ON TOP OF THIS REMOVAL, ON TOP OF THREE OTHER POETRY BOOKS, IS THE LAST BOOK I FINISHED READING: A COLLECTION OF PIECES BY GEORGE PEREC. ONE OF WHICH IS A TAXONOMY OF THE THINGS ON HIS DESK. ON TOP OF THESE THINGS IS THE BEAUTY OF EVERYDAY THINGS, A BOOK GIVEN TO ME BY ADAM, WITH A NOTE WRITTEN INSIDE. IF YOU GIVE SOMEONE A BOOK, YOU MUST WRITE A NOTE INSIDE. THE NOTE IN THE BOOK ON TOP OF THE BOOKS IS UNDER THE GORILLA GLUE.
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SATURDAY MARCH 22 927A
I HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT. YESTERDAY WAS A DREAM.
STANDING IN A ROOM, A WOMAN KEEPS COMING IN TO USE THE BATHROOM. SHE IS PREGNANT. SHE DOESN’T KNOW. IT IS LIKE A HOTEL. GOING THROUGH THE FRIDGE -- THERE IS A BLOCK OF NOODLES, SOME GREEK DESSERT MY MOM GOT FOR MY SISTER. HE TEXTS ME: THE CHILD’S TOY WAS SEEN TORN TO SHREDS.
SHE AND HER DOG, OR A CHILD. WE ARE SAYING GOODBYE AND THE DOG CHILD WON’T LEAVE MY SIDE. IT SAYS WE SHOULD BE TOGETHER.
IN THE GROCERY STORE. THEY ARE OUT OF PRODUCE. WE ARE GOING DOWN AN ESCALATOR. I AM AT A FAIR, OR A FARM. I SEE MY COUSIN WHO IS INSIDE OF A SMALL WOODEN STRUCTURE. SHE TELLS ME THREE DIFFERENT SENTENCES SHE HAS ON THREE DIFFERENT SHEETS OF PAPER; THE FIRST ABOUT BROKEN GLASS, AND SHE IS HOLDING SHARDS OF GLASS. THE THIRD IS FROM A MAN, MAYBE A CHARACTER, AND SHE READS IT OUT COMICALLY, REPLACING HER R’S WITH W.
I AM SCHEDULING. I AM STRESSED, I SAY YES. I HAVE TO CANCEL, REARRANGE, RESCHEDULE. I AM STRESSED. I AM IN THE WOODS. I AM ON A COLLEGE CAMPUS, ICE CREAM. I AM IN THE ATTIC OF A HOUSE. I AM AN ACTOR. YESTERDAY WAS A DREAM.
A WALK TO THE DOCTOR’S. I WANT TO GET BLOODWORK. I GET BLOODWORK. LUCKILY, THE NURSE HAS TO STAB ME IN BOTH ARMS; I DIDN’T DRINK ENOUGH WATER. I WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING. SIGNS AND SHADOWS ON THE WALK BACK. A CONVERSATION AT THE COFFEE SHOP: “DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE?” A BLUR. I AM IN MY ROOM. I AM CRYING. I AM ON MY KNEES CURLED INTO THE FLOOR AND I AM CRYING. I SEE A PORTRAIT OF MY SELF IN WORDS.
I WANT TO BE ANYWHERE.
I CAN BE ANYWHERE, AS LONG AS I CAN WRITE.
I CAN WRITE ANYWHERE.
I TYPE UP MY WRITING AND TITLE IT: THE CORE OF INDIVIDUAL DESIRE. I WANT TO WRITE, AND I DO NOT WANT TO EDIT. I DO NOT WANT ANYONE ELSE TO EDIT ME. A BIRD OUT THE WINDOW IS WALKING ON THE LEDGE BETWEEN A GRATE AND A BLUE SKY. I WANT TO KEEP WRITING.
STANDING IN A ROOM, A WOMAN KEEPS COMING IN TO USE THE BATHROOM. SHE IS PREGNANT. SHE DOESN’T KNOW. IT IS LIKE A HOTEL. GOING THROUGH THE FRIDGE -- THERE IS A BLOCK OF NOODLES, SOME GREEK DESSERT MY MOM GOT FOR MY SISTER. HE TEXTS ME: THE CHILD’S TOY WAS SEEN TORN TO SHREDS.
SHE AND HER DOG, OR A CHILD. WE ARE SAYING GOODBYE AND THE DOG CHILD WON’T LEAVE MY SIDE. IT SAYS WE SHOULD BE TOGETHER.
IN THE GROCERY STORE. THEY ARE OUT OF PRODUCE. WE ARE GOING DOWN AN ESCALATOR. I AM AT A FAIR, OR A FARM. I SEE MY COUSIN WHO IS INSIDE OF A SMALL WOODEN STRUCTURE. SHE TELLS ME THREE DIFFERENT SENTENCES SHE HAS ON THREE DIFFERENT SHEETS OF PAPER; THE FIRST ABOUT BROKEN GLASS, AND SHE IS HOLDING SHARDS OF GLASS. THE THIRD IS FROM A MAN, MAYBE A CHARACTER, AND SHE READS IT OUT COMICALLY, REPLACING HER R’S WITH W.
I AM SCHEDULING. I AM STRESSED, I SAY YES. I HAVE TO CANCEL, REARRANGE, RESCHEDULE. I AM STRESSED. I AM IN THE WOODS. I AM ON A COLLEGE CAMPUS, ICE CREAM. I AM IN THE ATTIC OF A HOUSE. I AM AN ACTOR. YESTERDAY WAS A DREAM.
A WALK TO THE DOCTOR’S. I WANT TO GET BLOODWORK. I GET BLOODWORK. LUCKILY, THE NURSE HAS TO STAB ME IN BOTH ARMS; I DIDN’T DRINK ENOUGH WATER. I WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING. SIGNS AND SHADOWS ON THE WALK BACK. A CONVERSATION AT THE COFFEE SHOP: “DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE?” A BLUR. I AM IN MY ROOM. I AM CRYING. I AM ON MY KNEES CURLED INTO THE FLOOR AND I AM CRYING. I SEE A PORTRAIT OF MY SELF IN WORDS.
I WANT TO BE ANYWHERE.
I CAN BE ANYWHERE, AS LONG AS I CAN WRITE.
I CAN WRITE ANYWHERE.
I TYPE UP MY WRITING AND TITLE IT: THE CORE OF INDIVIDUAL DESIRE. I WANT TO WRITE, AND I DO NOT WANT TO EDIT. I DO NOT WANT ANYONE ELSE TO EDIT ME. A BIRD OUT THE WINDOW IS WALKING ON THE LEDGE BETWEEN A GRATE AND A BLUE SKY. I WANT TO KEEP WRITING.
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THURSDAY MARCH 20 1109A
THE CORE OF INDIVIDUAL DESIRE
THE CORE OF INDIVIDUAL DESIRE
SOMETIMES, IF I CAN’T DO SOMETHING JUST RIGHT, I CAN’T DO THE SOMETHING, ANY THING AT ALL.
REALLY, I AM SIMPLE. SATISFIED WITH BEING SIMPLE. SATISFIED WITH SMALL THINGS, SIMPLE THINGS THAT BRING ME SMALL JOYS. A WALK IN THE PARK. SUNSHINE. A DAY THAT IS COOL AND WARMS YOU WITH THE SUN. READING A GOOD BOOK. HEARING A GOOD SONG. BEING IMMERSED IN WORDS, MUSIC, IMAGES. THE EXPERIENCE OF GOING TO THE CINEMA. THE EXPERIENCE OF EATING GOOD FOOD; THE TASTE AND TEXTURE OF FOOD, OF SUGAR. THE TASTE OF COFFEE IN THE MORNING. THE ACT OF COOKING-- FOR YOUR SELF, FOR OTHER PEOPLE. HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH A STRANGER. SERENDIPITY. BEING WITH OTHER PEOPLE AND FEELING LESS ALONE; RESONATING WITH OTHER PEOPLE THROUGH WORDS, EXPERIENCES. DANCING. BEING IN ONE’S BODY. SWIMMING. SUBMERGING THE BODY IN WATER. TEMPERATURE EXTREMES; SAUNAS, BATHS, WINTER. BEING IN TRANSIT (PUBLIC). DRIVING A CAR; LISTENING TO MUSIC AND SINGING IN THE CAR. DRIVING LONG DISTANCES TO GET TO A PLACE-- GOING TO THE BEACH. EATING FISH AND SEAFOOD NEAR OR ON THE BEACH. A FULL NIGHT OF SLEEP. REMEMBERING A DREAM; RECOUNTING A DREAM. REMEMBERING THE FEELING OF A DREAM. EXPERIENCING A WORK OF VISUAL ART. HEARING LIVE MUSIC. WATCHING DANCERS PERFORM. I MISS BEING SIMPLE. I MISS FINDING JOY IN SIMPLE THINGS.
THERE IS INDIVIDUAL TASTE, AND THERE IS COLLECTIVE TASTE. INDIVIDUAL TASTE IS CONFLATED BY COLLECTIVE TASTE. WHAT I LIKE, DESIRE, WANT, IS INFLUENCED BY WHAT YOU LIKE, DESIRE, WANT, IS INFLUENCED BY WHAT THEY LIKE, DESIRE, WANT. HOW TO GET TO THE ROOT OF WHAT ONE ACTUALLY LIKES, DESIRES, WANTS ... NEEDS? OUR SENSE OF TASTE IS DISTORETED; WE ARE REMOVED FROM OUR SENSES AS AN INDIVIDUAL AS WE ARE INUNDATED BY THE SENSES OF THE COLLECTIVE. ONE’S DESIRE TO ACT (DO x, WEAR y, GO TO z) IS REMOVED FROM PURE DESIRE AND REPLACED BY SIGNIFIERS -- THE THING (ACTION, OBJECT, ETC) ITSELF IS CONFLATED BY WHAT THE THING MEANS IN CONTEXT; OUR DESIRE FOR THE THING ITSELF IS CONFLATED BY OUR OTHER DESIRES (POTENTIALLY SUBCONSCIOUS, UNIDENTIFIED DESIRES): THE DESIRE TO BELONG, TO FIT INTO A SPECIFIC TYPE OR GROUP OF PEOPLE, TO BE ACCEPTED, TO BE A PART OF SOMETHING GREATER THAN THE INDIVIDUAL. ALL BASIC HUMAN NEEDS.
IN CITIES (?), IN MODERN, GLOBAL SOCIETY, THESE NEEDS ARE FURTHER CONFLATED, FURTHER ESTRANGED, FROM THE ACTUAL NEED. THE DESIRE TO BELONG, FOR COMMUNITY, BECOMES THE DESIRE TO BELONG TO A SPECIFIC GROUP -- A GROUP THAT OFTEN SIGNIFIES A CULTURALLY RELEVANT ‘COMMUNITY’ (I PUT THE WORD COMMUNITY IN QUOTATIONS BECAUSE THESE ‘COMMUNITIES’ MEET THE DEFINITION OF COMMUNITY BY DEFAULT OF BEING SPECIFIC GROUPINGS OF INDIVIDUALS, YET MORE OFTEN THAN NOT ARE REMOVED FROM THE PRINCIPLES AND FULFILLMENT ONE RECEIEVED FROM BEING A PART OF A COMMUNITY: MUTUALISM, SUPPORT, WORKING TOWARD OR WITH SHARED IDEAS OR GOALS. ‘COMMUNITY’ OF TODAY IS OFTEN IN DIRECT OPPOSITION TO THESE PRINCIPLES: CLIQUES, EXCLUSIVITY, HIERARCHY, LACK OF DISCLOSURE). CERTAIN ‘COMMUNITIES’ SET THE TONE AND GUIDELINES OF CULTURE, TO THOSE AWARE AND CONCERNED: HOW TO DRESS, WHICH PLACES TO FREQUENT, WHAT TO WATCH, READ, LISTEN TO. ARE YOU READING A CERTAIN BOOK BECAUSE YOU ARE ENJOYING THE EXPERIENCE OF READING THE BOOK, OR SO YOU CAN BE CULTURALLY RELEVANT ENOUGH TO SAY YOU HAVE READ THE BOOK, TO CONTRIBUTE TO A SOCIAL DISCOURSE ABOUT THE BOOK, THE AUTHOR? WHO ARE YOU READING FOR? DRESSING FOR? ACTING FOR? ARE YOU MAKING DECISIONS WITH RETROSPECT IN MIND?
HOW DO WE GET TO THE CORE OF INDIVIDUAL DESIRE? NO, YOU CANNOT SEPARATE THE INDIVIDUAL FROM ITS CONTEXT, FROM THE CULTURE IT IS EXPOSED TO, SURROUNDED BY, EMBEDDED IN. BUT YOU CAN HEIGHTEN THE INDIVIDUAL’S AWARENESS OF THEIR OWN ACTIONS AND DECISION-MAKING, DOWN TO THE SIMPLIST THINGS, BY SIMPLY: ASKING WHY. AND CONTINUING, REPEATEDLY, TO ASK WHY. WHY DID YOU PURCHASE A SPECIFIC OBJECT? WHY ARE YOU WEARING A PARTICULAR PIECE OF CLOTHING? WHY ARE YOU READING THAT BOOK? YES, SOMEONE RECOMMENDED IT TO YOU, OR YOU SAW SOMEONE WEARING IT, OR EVERYONE IS GOING TO THAT PLACE, BUT WHY ARE YOU?
DO YOU LIKE THE SHIRT YOU ARE CURRENTLY WEARING? WHY? DO YOU LIKE ITS TEXTURE, COLOR? DID YOU LIKE THE ALBUM YOU JUST LISTENED TO? WHY? HOW DID IT MAKE YOU FEEL?
HOW DOES ALL OF THIS MAKE YOU FEEL? HOW DOES EVERY THING YOU EXPERIENCE MAKE YOU FEEL?
DESIRE IS SOMATIC, SENSORIAL, CORPOREAL. TUNE INTO YOUR SENSES. PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR BODY. BE AN OBSERVER OF YOUR OWN BODY. ASK IT WHY. YOU MAY BEGIN TO SEE THINGS DIFFERENTLY. YOU MAY GET CLOSER TO THE ROOT OF YOUR OWN INDIVIDUAL DESRES. YOU MAY DISCOVER YOUR SELF AS AN INDIVIDUAL. YOU MAY DISCOVER YOUR SELF. YOU MAY BE SURPRISED, FRIGHTENED BY WHAT YOU FIND ... YOU MAY BE SIMPLE! YOU MAY NOT HAVE MANY DESIRES AT ALL. OR YOU MAY BE RAVENOUS; YOU MAY DESIRE EVERY THING, THE FINEST THINGS. YOU MAY BE NEUTRAL -- SO WHAT! BEING ANYTHING, BEING SOMETHING, BEING NOTHING, IS BETTER THAN BEING A COG OF MANY COGS IN THE AUTOMATED MACHINERY OF LIFE.
BE SOMETHING! BE NOTHING! BE ANYTHING! AS LONG AS YOU ARE AWARE OF WHAT THE THING IS.
REALLY, I AM SIMPLE. SATISFIED WITH BEING SIMPLE. SATISFIED WITH SMALL THINGS, SIMPLE THINGS THAT BRING ME SMALL JOYS. A WALK IN THE PARK. SUNSHINE. A DAY THAT IS COOL AND WARMS YOU WITH THE SUN. READING A GOOD BOOK. HEARING A GOOD SONG. BEING IMMERSED IN WORDS, MUSIC, IMAGES. THE EXPERIENCE OF GOING TO THE CINEMA. THE EXPERIENCE OF EATING GOOD FOOD; THE TASTE AND TEXTURE OF FOOD, OF SUGAR. THE TASTE OF COFFEE IN THE MORNING. THE ACT OF COOKING-- FOR YOUR SELF, FOR OTHER PEOPLE. HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH A STRANGER. SERENDIPITY. BEING WITH OTHER PEOPLE AND FEELING LESS ALONE; RESONATING WITH OTHER PEOPLE THROUGH WORDS, EXPERIENCES. DANCING. BEING IN ONE’S BODY. SWIMMING. SUBMERGING THE BODY IN WATER. TEMPERATURE EXTREMES; SAUNAS, BATHS, WINTER. BEING IN TRANSIT (PUBLIC). DRIVING A CAR; LISTENING TO MUSIC AND SINGING IN THE CAR. DRIVING LONG DISTANCES TO GET TO A PLACE-- GOING TO THE BEACH. EATING FISH AND SEAFOOD NEAR OR ON THE BEACH. A FULL NIGHT OF SLEEP. REMEMBERING A DREAM; RECOUNTING A DREAM. REMEMBERING THE FEELING OF A DREAM. EXPERIENCING A WORK OF VISUAL ART. HEARING LIVE MUSIC. WATCHING DANCERS PERFORM. I MISS BEING SIMPLE. I MISS FINDING JOY IN SIMPLE THINGS.
THERE IS INDIVIDUAL TASTE, AND THERE IS COLLECTIVE TASTE. INDIVIDUAL TASTE IS CONFLATED BY COLLECTIVE TASTE. WHAT I LIKE, DESIRE, WANT, IS INFLUENCED BY WHAT YOU LIKE, DESIRE, WANT, IS INFLUENCED BY WHAT THEY LIKE, DESIRE, WANT. HOW TO GET TO THE ROOT OF WHAT ONE ACTUALLY LIKES, DESIRES, WANTS ... NEEDS? OUR SENSE OF TASTE IS DISTORETED; WE ARE REMOVED FROM OUR SENSES AS AN INDIVIDUAL AS WE ARE INUNDATED BY THE SENSES OF THE COLLECTIVE. ONE’S DESIRE TO ACT (DO x, WEAR y, GO TO z) IS REMOVED FROM PURE DESIRE AND REPLACED BY SIGNIFIERS -- THE THING (ACTION, OBJECT, ETC) ITSELF IS CONFLATED BY WHAT THE THING MEANS IN CONTEXT; OUR DESIRE FOR THE THING ITSELF IS CONFLATED BY OUR OTHER DESIRES (POTENTIALLY SUBCONSCIOUS, UNIDENTIFIED DESIRES): THE DESIRE TO BELONG, TO FIT INTO A SPECIFIC TYPE OR GROUP OF PEOPLE, TO BE ACCEPTED, TO BE A PART OF SOMETHING GREATER THAN THE INDIVIDUAL. ALL BASIC HUMAN NEEDS.
IN CITIES (?), IN MODERN, GLOBAL SOCIETY, THESE NEEDS ARE FURTHER CONFLATED, FURTHER ESTRANGED, FROM THE ACTUAL NEED. THE DESIRE TO BELONG, FOR COMMUNITY, BECOMES THE DESIRE TO BELONG TO A SPECIFIC GROUP -- A GROUP THAT OFTEN SIGNIFIES A CULTURALLY RELEVANT ‘COMMUNITY’ (I PUT THE WORD COMMUNITY IN QUOTATIONS BECAUSE THESE ‘COMMUNITIES’ MEET THE DEFINITION OF COMMUNITY BY DEFAULT OF BEING SPECIFIC GROUPINGS OF INDIVIDUALS, YET MORE OFTEN THAN NOT ARE REMOVED FROM THE PRINCIPLES AND FULFILLMENT ONE RECEIEVED FROM BEING A PART OF A COMMUNITY: MUTUALISM, SUPPORT, WORKING TOWARD OR WITH SHARED IDEAS OR GOALS. ‘COMMUNITY’ OF TODAY IS OFTEN IN DIRECT OPPOSITION TO THESE PRINCIPLES: CLIQUES, EXCLUSIVITY, HIERARCHY, LACK OF DISCLOSURE). CERTAIN ‘COMMUNITIES’ SET THE TONE AND GUIDELINES OF CULTURE, TO THOSE AWARE AND CONCERNED: HOW TO DRESS, WHICH PLACES TO FREQUENT, WHAT TO WATCH, READ, LISTEN TO. ARE YOU READING A CERTAIN BOOK BECAUSE YOU ARE ENJOYING THE EXPERIENCE OF READING THE BOOK, OR SO YOU CAN BE CULTURALLY RELEVANT ENOUGH TO SAY YOU HAVE READ THE BOOK, TO CONTRIBUTE TO A SOCIAL DISCOURSE ABOUT THE BOOK, THE AUTHOR? WHO ARE YOU READING FOR? DRESSING FOR? ACTING FOR? ARE YOU MAKING DECISIONS WITH RETROSPECT IN MIND?
HOW DO WE GET TO THE CORE OF INDIVIDUAL DESIRE? NO, YOU CANNOT SEPARATE THE INDIVIDUAL FROM ITS CONTEXT, FROM THE CULTURE IT IS EXPOSED TO, SURROUNDED BY, EMBEDDED IN. BUT YOU CAN HEIGHTEN THE INDIVIDUAL’S AWARENESS OF THEIR OWN ACTIONS AND DECISION-MAKING, DOWN TO THE SIMPLIST THINGS, BY SIMPLY: ASKING WHY. AND CONTINUING, REPEATEDLY, TO ASK WHY. WHY DID YOU PURCHASE A SPECIFIC OBJECT? WHY ARE YOU WEARING A PARTICULAR PIECE OF CLOTHING? WHY ARE YOU READING THAT BOOK? YES, SOMEONE RECOMMENDED IT TO YOU, OR YOU SAW SOMEONE WEARING IT, OR EVERYONE IS GOING TO THAT PLACE, BUT WHY ARE YOU?
DO YOU LIKE THE SHIRT YOU ARE CURRENTLY WEARING? WHY? DO YOU LIKE ITS TEXTURE, COLOR? DID YOU LIKE THE ALBUM YOU JUST LISTENED TO? WHY? HOW DID IT MAKE YOU FEEL?
HOW DOES ALL OF THIS MAKE YOU FEEL? HOW DOES EVERY THING YOU EXPERIENCE MAKE YOU FEEL?
DESIRE IS SOMATIC, SENSORIAL, CORPOREAL. TUNE INTO YOUR SENSES. PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR BODY. BE AN OBSERVER OF YOUR OWN BODY. ASK IT WHY. YOU MAY BEGIN TO SEE THINGS DIFFERENTLY. YOU MAY GET CLOSER TO THE ROOT OF YOUR OWN INDIVIDUAL DESRES. YOU MAY DISCOVER YOUR SELF AS AN INDIVIDUAL. YOU MAY DISCOVER YOUR SELF. YOU MAY BE SURPRISED, FRIGHTENED BY WHAT YOU FIND ... YOU MAY BE SIMPLE! YOU MAY NOT HAVE MANY DESIRES AT ALL. OR YOU MAY BE RAVENOUS; YOU MAY DESIRE EVERY THING, THE FINEST THINGS. YOU MAY BE NEUTRAL -- SO WHAT! BEING ANYTHING, BEING SOMETHING, BEING NOTHING, IS BETTER THAN BEING A COG OF MANY COGS IN THE AUTOMATED MACHINERY OF LIFE.
BE SOMETHING! BE NOTHING! BE ANYTHING! AS LONG AS YOU ARE AWARE OF WHAT THE THING IS.
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THURSDAY MARCH 20 754A
TO WRITE OF DREAMS, TO WRITE OF REALITY; IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE TO ME AS I AM ONLY PUTTING WORDS TO AN EXPERIENCE. I AM TRANSCRIBING WHAT MY BRAIN IS ENUMERATING -- IMAGES, WORDS, COLORS, SOUNDS; ASSOCIATIONS, SIGNIFIERS-- I AM TRANSLATING THE EXPERIENCES OF MY BODY. I AM TRANSLATING THE EXPERIENCES OF MY SELF. IN WRITING, I TRANSLATE MY SELF, TOO; SINCE I CANNOT WRITE ABOUT EVERY THING, CANNOT RECOUNT EVERY THING I THINK, FEEL, EXPERIENCE, I WRITE OF WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT, EVEN IF IT IS NOT IMPORTANT, AND THE ACT OF WRITING MAKES IT IMPORTANT? IT EXPRESSES TO ME MY SELF. HOW I WRITE AND WHAT I WRITE IS WHERE I FIND MY SELF.
I FIND MY SELF IN WORDS, AND THEM IN ME.
I FIND MY SELF IN WORDS, AND THEM IN ME.
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TUESDAY MARCH 18 1138A
HOW WORDS ARE SPATIAL! HOW SPATIAL WORDS ARE.
HOW WORDS ARE SPATIAL! HOW SPATIAL WORDS ARE.
WORDS ARE PRECIOUS. WORDS ARE VALUABLE. WORDS EXCITE ME. THE JOY OF ENUMERATION IS A TRUE JOY. THE SATISFACTION OF DEFINITION -- THE DISCOVERY OF MEANING. THE ABSURDITY OF A SINGLE WORD BEING DEFINED BY OTHER WORDS -- OF WORDS USING THEMSELVES TO BE UNDERSTOOD.
THE COGNITIVE PRACTICE AND LEARNING OF LANGUAGE; HOW ONE COMES TO KNOW AND FAMILIARIZE ONESELF WITH THE WORLD THROUGH WORDS. HOW WORDS ARE CONTEXTUALIZED, SOCIALIZED; HOW WORDS CHANGE MEANING, USE, AND FUNCTION ACROSS TIME AND SPACE -- HOW WORDS ARE SPATIAL! HOW SPATIAL WORDS ARE. AS IF EACH WORD HAS A PARTICULAR FUNCTION AND SET OF RULES, BUT ONLY IN THE CONTEXT OF ALL OTHER WORDS -- EACH WORD HAVING A PLACE AMONG THE SYSTEM OF ALL OTHER WORDS. AND EACH WORD CHANGING DEPENDING ON THE CONTEXT YOU PUT IT IN, DEPENDING ON THE OTHER WORDS IT IS SURROUNDED BY. AND EVERY WORD HAS EQUAL VALUE UNTIL IT IS PLACED AMONG OTHER WORDS -- PROXIMITY OF WORDS CREATES HIERARCHY.
PARTICULAR SERIES, STRINGS OF WORDS CREATE JOY; OTHERS CREATE SADNESS. SOME PROVOKE, SOME BORE. SOME ARE EASY TO DIGEST, SOME WE MAY NEVER UNDERSTAND. EVERY SENTENCE IS A CREATION, A SERIES OF INDIVIDUAL WORDS WE HAVE CHOSEN TO PUT TOGETHER IN A PARTICULAR ORDER. PARTICULAR WORDS WE PLACE INTO A PARTICULAR SEQUENCE, A PARTICULAR WORD PLACED IN FRONT OF THE NEXT AND BEHIND THE OTHER.
WORDS, LANGUAGE: A SERIES OF DECISIONS WE MAKE. AGENCY IN THE ACT OF CHOOSING WORDS, OF CONTROL, AWARENESS, INTENTIONALITY OF LANGUAGE -- NOT ONLY IN CHOOSING WHICH WORDS IN WHICH ORDER, BUT WHEN AND HOW TO USE WORDS, OR WHEN NOT TO USE WORDS, OR WHERE TO OR NOT TO USE WORDS.
THE POWER OF LANGUAGE IN ASKING “WHY?”
AND WHAT. WHAT DO I WANT TO, OR NOT WANT TO, COMMUNICATE, AND WHY?
AND HOW. HOW DO I USE LANGUAGE TO COMMUNICATE MY INTENTION?
HOW DO I USE LANGUAGE?
THE COGNITIVE PRACTICE AND LEARNING OF LANGUAGE; HOW ONE COMES TO KNOW AND FAMILIARIZE ONESELF WITH THE WORLD THROUGH WORDS. HOW WORDS ARE CONTEXTUALIZED, SOCIALIZED; HOW WORDS CHANGE MEANING, USE, AND FUNCTION ACROSS TIME AND SPACE -- HOW WORDS ARE SPATIAL! HOW SPATIAL WORDS ARE. AS IF EACH WORD HAS A PARTICULAR FUNCTION AND SET OF RULES, BUT ONLY IN THE CONTEXT OF ALL OTHER WORDS -- EACH WORD HAVING A PLACE AMONG THE SYSTEM OF ALL OTHER WORDS. AND EACH WORD CHANGING DEPENDING ON THE CONTEXT YOU PUT IT IN, DEPENDING ON THE OTHER WORDS IT IS SURROUNDED BY. AND EVERY WORD HAS EQUAL VALUE UNTIL IT IS PLACED AMONG OTHER WORDS -- PROXIMITY OF WORDS CREATES HIERARCHY.
PARTICULAR SERIES, STRINGS OF WORDS CREATE JOY; OTHERS CREATE SADNESS. SOME PROVOKE, SOME BORE. SOME ARE EASY TO DIGEST, SOME WE MAY NEVER UNDERSTAND. EVERY SENTENCE IS A CREATION, A SERIES OF INDIVIDUAL WORDS WE HAVE CHOSEN TO PUT TOGETHER IN A PARTICULAR ORDER. PARTICULAR WORDS WE PLACE INTO A PARTICULAR SEQUENCE, A PARTICULAR WORD PLACED IN FRONT OF THE NEXT AND BEHIND THE OTHER.
WORDS, LANGUAGE: A SERIES OF DECISIONS WE MAKE. AGENCY IN THE ACT OF CHOOSING WORDS, OF CONTROL, AWARENESS, INTENTIONALITY OF LANGUAGE -- NOT ONLY IN CHOOSING WHICH WORDS IN WHICH ORDER, BUT WHEN AND HOW TO USE WORDS, OR WHEN NOT TO USE WORDS, OR WHERE TO OR NOT TO USE WORDS.
THE POWER OF LANGUAGE IN ASKING “WHY?”
AND WHAT. WHAT DO I WANT TO, OR NOT WANT TO, COMMUNICATE, AND WHY?
AND HOW. HOW DO I USE LANGUAGE TO COMMUNICATE MY INTENTION?
HOW DO I USE LANGUAGE?
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MONDAY MARCH 17 832A
MISSING THE SCHOOL BUS.
WALKING THROUGH A FIELD, GRASS.
SOMETIMES LOOKS LIKE THE ROAD TO KALO’S HOUSE.
MYSTERY -- A WOODEN STRUCTURE.
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SLEEPING IN A LOFTED ROOM, UP A LADDER, CLOSED SLIDING GLASS WINDOW TO IN LOCATED AT RIGHT OF QUARTERS. FOUR PEOPLE SLEEPING THERE. OR FIVE? I AM ONE OF THEM. SLEEPING TWO OVER FROM PERSON, MAN SLEEPING IN FRONT OF DOOR WINDOW. SOMEONE COMES IN THE NIGHT TO TAKE THE BLANKET. WE REFUSE. IN THE MORNING THE BLANKET IS GONE.
A MOVIE SET BUT A MYSTERY -- A SCENE TO FIGURE OUT. A GROCERY STORE; A GHOST TOWN; BEING TAKEN OVER -- BY CHILDREN? WE ARE PUT INTO A VAN.
THERE ARE RULES. THE WOMAN LOSES HER GROCERY STORE, IS PUT INTO THE VAN AND GIVEN ONE ITEM. THERE ARE RULES, CONTROL. IT’S A MYSTERY AND THINGS MUST BE FIGURED OUT, SOLVED, DISCOVERED.
WALKING THROUGH A FIELD, GRASS.
SOMETIMES LOOKS LIKE THE ROAD TO KALO’S HOUSE.
MYSTERY -- A WOODEN STRUCTURE.
SYMMETRICAL
LIKE FLOWER PETALS
ILLUSION
LIKE FLOWER PETALS
ILLUSION
SLEEPING IN A LOFTED ROOM, UP A LADDER, CLOSED SLIDING GLASS WINDOW TO IN LOCATED AT RIGHT OF QUARTERS. FOUR PEOPLE SLEEPING THERE. OR FIVE? I AM ONE OF THEM. SLEEPING TWO OVER FROM PERSON, MAN SLEEPING IN FRONT OF DOOR WINDOW. SOMEONE COMES IN THE NIGHT TO TAKE THE BLANKET. WE REFUSE. IN THE MORNING THE BLANKET IS GONE.
A MOVIE SET BUT A MYSTERY -- A SCENE TO FIGURE OUT. A GROCERY STORE; A GHOST TOWN; BEING TAKEN OVER -- BY CHILDREN? WE ARE PUT INTO A VAN.
THERE ARE RULES. THE WOMAN LOSES HER GROCERY STORE, IS PUT INTO THE VAN AND GIVEN ONE ITEM. THERE ARE RULES, CONTROL. IT’S A MYSTERY AND THINGS MUST BE FIGURED OUT, SOLVED, DISCOVERED.
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SUNDAY MARCH 16 459P
SPACE.
SPACE AS IT IS. SPACE AS FILLED WITH MEMORY. SPACE FULL OF OBJECTS, INFRASTRUCTURE, PEOPLE. SPACE FULL OF NOISE AND SOUNDS AND LIGHT. SPACE AS OCCUPIED, SPACE AS EMPTY, EMPTY SPACE FILLED WITH THOUGHTS, IDEAS, MEMORIES.
SPACE AS IT IS MARKED BY SPACE AS IT WAS; AS IT WAS EXPERIENCED, INHABITED, PERCEIVED, WRITTEN. SPACE AS FILLED WITH WORDS, PICTURES, IMAGES, FRAGMENTS OF IMAGES AND WORDS.
SPACE OCCUPIED BY BODIES, BY A BODY THAT OCCUPIES THE SPACE THAT HAS OCCUPED THE SPACE OR SPACES LIKE IT, SPACES THAT ENTER THIS SPACE, SPACES OF DIFFERENT TIMES AND PLACES THAT ENTER THIS SPACE, THAT BECOME THIS SPACE. SPACE THAT CANNOT BE SEPARATED FROM SPACE-THAT-IS AND SPACE-THAT-WAS.
SPACE-THAT-WAS THAT ENTERS SPACE-THAT-IS, SPACE CREATED BY WHAT WAS AND WHAT IS, SPACE EXISTING BOTH IN MIND AND THROUGH THE BODY; BODY IN SPACE, SPACE IN MIND.
PEOPLE THAT TAKE UP SPACE. THINGS THAT TAKE UP SPACE. SPACE THAT BECOMES SECONDARY. SPACE THAT BECOMES LANDSCAPE FOR SPACE-THAT-WAS. SPACE-THAT-IS AS LANDSCAPE FOR SPACE-THAT-WAS. SPACE-THAT-IS PHYSICAL LANDSCAPE FOR IMAGINARY SPACE-THAT-WAS, SENSUAL SPACE-THAT-WAS ONCE MATERIAL, NOW MATERIAL FOR SPACE-THAT-IS.
HERE: IN SPACE. I AM HERE IN SPACE. I AM OCCUPYING SPACE-THAT-IS WITH SPACE-THAT-WAS. IN SPACE-THAT-WAS NOW IN SPACE-THAT-IS, SIGNIFIERS IN SPACE-THAT-IS NOW IS SPACE-THAT-WAS, WORDS IN SPACE-THAT-WAS ON THE PAGE OF SPACE-THAT-IS: ATEMPORAL, FLUID, REFERENTIAL. SPACE-THAT-IS-SPACE-THAT-WAS-SPACE-THAT-IS-SPACE-
SPACE AS IT IS. SPACE AS FILLED WITH MEMORY. SPACE FULL OF OBJECTS, INFRASTRUCTURE, PEOPLE. SPACE FULL OF NOISE AND SOUNDS AND LIGHT. SPACE AS OCCUPIED, SPACE AS EMPTY, EMPTY SPACE FILLED WITH THOUGHTS, IDEAS, MEMORIES.
SPACE AS IT IS MARKED BY SPACE AS IT WAS; AS IT WAS EXPERIENCED, INHABITED, PERCEIVED, WRITTEN. SPACE AS FILLED WITH WORDS, PICTURES, IMAGES, FRAGMENTS OF IMAGES AND WORDS.
SPACE OCCUPIED BY BODIES, BY A BODY THAT OCCUPIES THE SPACE THAT HAS OCCUPED THE SPACE OR SPACES LIKE IT, SPACES THAT ENTER THIS SPACE, SPACES OF DIFFERENT TIMES AND PLACES THAT ENTER THIS SPACE, THAT BECOME THIS SPACE. SPACE THAT CANNOT BE SEPARATED FROM SPACE-THAT-IS AND SPACE-THAT-WAS.
SPACE-THAT-WAS THAT ENTERS SPACE-THAT-IS, SPACE CREATED BY WHAT WAS AND WHAT IS, SPACE EXISTING BOTH IN MIND AND THROUGH THE BODY; BODY IN SPACE, SPACE IN MIND.
PEOPLE THAT TAKE UP SPACE. THINGS THAT TAKE UP SPACE. SPACE THAT BECOMES SECONDARY. SPACE THAT BECOMES LANDSCAPE FOR SPACE-THAT-WAS. SPACE-THAT-IS AS LANDSCAPE FOR SPACE-THAT-WAS. SPACE-THAT-IS PHYSICAL LANDSCAPE FOR IMAGINARY SPACE-THAT-WAS, SENSUAL SPACE-THAT-WAS ONCE MATERIAL, NOW MATERIAL FOR SPACE-THAT-IS.
HERE: IN SPACE. I AM HERE IN SPACE. I AM OCCUPYING SPACE-THAT-IS WITH SPACE-THAT-WAS. IN SPACE-THAT-WAS NOW IN SPACE-THAT-IS, SIGNIFIERS IN SPACE-THAT-IS NOW IS SPACE-THAT-WAS, WORDS IN SPACE-THAT-WAS ON THE PAGE OF SPACE-THAT-IS: ATEMPORAL, FLUID, REFERENTIAL. SPACE-THAT-IS-SPACE-THAT-WAS-SPACE-THAT-IS-SPACE-
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